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The Death of a Spouse When You Are Old

The first few days, after the death of your spouse, may be the most devastating and wrenching you will ever experience. Nothing that happens later in life, you are convinced, can ever hurt this much. If you are old, and have been with your spouse for many years, the void that is left when your spouse is no longer there, can overwhelm you. Your feelings can be unimaginably painful and raw, as expressed here:

“I weep no tears because my husband has died. I do weep tears for the lost years. I weep tears for the young family members deprived of the opportunity to truly know him.

And, oh yes, I weep tears for myself, for the silence of the house — how can it be so quiet, when it was never really noisy? I weep for the emptiness of the days that stretch before me without someone to care for, I weep for the uncertain future; I weep for the loosened ties. I am rudderless.” Joan Sutton, Canadian journalist and author

Psychologists say there are 5 Stages of Grief:

Disbelief

For some, there is a feeling of disbelief—a refusal to believe that your partner is gone. Normal, routinal motions, walking into a room you shared, having a meal at the table that you used for years, sleeping in a shared bed, all of these actions seem unreal—it is unbelievable that your partner is no longer there. This psychologists say, is Denial, Stage 1 of the grieving process.

Anger

The second stage, once the realization of the loss has dawned, is anger. There are many things to be angry about—the doctors, for not providing better care, God, for not preventing the death, your spouse, for leaving you, and even more illogically, other people, for surviving. This stage, like Stage 1, does not last very long, but the next one, Bargaining, may take a while.

Bargaining

During this third stage, you try to understand why your partner died. In trying to make sense of everything, you do things that do not seem balanced, like writing letters to her, asking why he left you, or, if you are religious, asking God to bring her back. You can’t stop thinking about how things were when she was alive.

Grief

The sadness that overwhelms you when you fully realize your partner is gone is Stage 4, Grief. It is in this stage that people give themselves up to their deep feelings. They may weep or become depressed. This stage must be allowed to run its course, until all emotions are fully expressed.

Acceptance

Stage 5, one of Acceptance, may come at any time during the continuum. It is during this stage that your emotions finally calm down, and you are able to remember your spouse with gratitude that she or he was in your life. You begin to have other feelings instead of only sadness, and you begin to consider what to do with your life.

Your first year will be the hardest

Your most difficult times will be in the first year, when you must go through a period of firsts—your partner’s birthday, your first Christmas without your wife or husband, your first anniversary. You may dread these events, but allowing your feelings to flow and survive them, will make you stronger, and more prepared for the next one.

Gradually, you will develop strategies that will guide you through the next period. Of all of the things you can do during these early stages of grief, the most important ones are to allow yourself to fully mourn, and to do so without using drugs and alcohol, which only block and postpone the grieving process. You must allow yourself to go through all of the stages, and to get support when you can’t cope, by reaching out to friends, family and social groups. And you must try to be active and engaged— never allow yourself to become isolated.

“Grief is a most peculiar thing; we’re so helpless in the face of it. It’s like a window that will simply open of its own accord. The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become of it.” Arthur Golden, American author

As you proceed through your first year, you will become stronger and more resilient. You never forget your loss, but you may begin to realize how important it is to reclaim yourself, as one who is alone.

Although beginning life again brings many new challenges, you may now be ready to work toward the future. You have lots to live for—your life is not over.

30 thoughts on “The Death of a Spouse When You Are Old”

  1. I had known my late wife for 48 years. She was my wife for 40 of those. She died eight years ago and I went through all the five phases. I still remember her regularly whenever something or the other triggers of some memory of her and I miss her. I don’t think that my acceptance will ever lead me to forget her.

    There is another side to death about which I had written a post which you might find interesting. http://rummuser.com/reaction-to-death/

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      Thank you for the link, Rummuser! I’ll need to read it later, since my day is already full (I don’t know how that happens!) Acceptance of the death of one we love should never mean forgetting them. Remembering is how you honor them.

  2. Thank you
    I am watching this process happen for my mother in law. It is hard to watch. I am just making sure to be there and make sure she knows we are there to help. Plus I make sure she is included and busy as much as possible. It has been six months soon, another six to go before there will be a semblance of normal.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      Yes, it is hard to be there, but you are doing what you must, and the actions you are taking are sound. She does have a long way to go, as do you, in support of her.

  3. I’m grateful every day for my husband, but I saw my mother deal with losing Dad. She did the best she could, but what an avalanche of emotion. She took a grief class, went through the workbook, etc. A model for us all. BTW, I hadn’t thought about how certain substances like alcohol could block the healing. Interesting.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      Some people do suffer more than others. I think it depends on whether or not they have developed some independence from their partner. It sounds like your mother’s life was very intertwined with your father’s, which might be why it took so much to separate. So hard for her! I am quite sure that alcohol and drugs (and food) ‘mask’ a person’s feelings (some do this throughout life), which also applies to the feelings and awareness inherent in healing.

  4. I am in complete denial that this will ever happen to me. I can’t imagine losing my husband (although, in reality, I know that one of us will probably go first). When my mother died, my father was beginning his decline into dementia. I almost felt relieved that he didn’t feel the full force of his loss.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      You are probably correct about that, Janis. That would have been a sad time for you, losing a mother through death, and a father through Alzheimers at the same time. End of life is not easy.

  5. I keep telling my husband I really love my life, don’t mess it up by letting anything happen to him. He laughs. He’s 82 and I’m 77, so there’s a good chance one of us will die in the next 10 years. If he goes first I plan to be a complete basket case for at least a year, in the meantime I’m making the most of the time we have together. One thing in our favor is we spend a lot of our time in parallel play.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      I can tell from your blog that you and your husband have a great relationship. You are both fortunate to have one another!

  6. A really concise easy to read article Diane – much easier to read and absorb than a lot of others I’ve seen on the subject.

    After 56yrs of living married life with each other and certainly not ‘joined at the hip’ The Golfer and I are ‘training’ each other by explaining all those roles we’ve taken on – I’m trying to get him to learn how to cook some basic meals and also understand ‘our’ accounting system. Me – well I now know how to start the lawn mower – but little does he know I’ve plans to get a ‘little man’ in to do all that lol.

    The Golfer and I tell each ‘see you in the morning’ as we slide into sleep each evening – I’m hoping neither of us has a nasty shock one morning – I think that would be a terrible way to lose your partner. Not to have the opportunity to say goodbye

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      I like the practical way you approach this subject! Although death is not an easy thing to talk about, it’s a good strategy to discuss how you and your partner would manage if one of you died. Throughout our married lives, we each attack the chores that we can do best, (as in your accounting system), and it is mandatory that your partner learn how to take over. Not so easy, though, after 56 years!

      1. I babbled on so much I forgot to mention that coincidentally I have a post already written on a similar subject- scheduled for later this week.
        Cathy

  7. Derrick John Knight

    An important post. I’ve experienced such loss at both (very) young and (reasonably) old ages

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      It’s difficult, and so much harder when people have been together for a long time. You seem very resilient, Derrick—I enjoy your blog, and read every post!

  8. I copied your post and printed it, Diane, so I can reread it when I need to or share it with others who do. As always, you explored a topic important to all of us and gave us food for thought and a resource. Thank you.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      I value your comments, Aunt Beulah. It’s good to know when an article makes an impact. Thank you!

  9. Very well written. After almost 43 years of marriage the sudden death of my husband over a decade ago wasn’t expected so soon though his health had been declining. In retrospect I don’t think I experienced the various stages in such linear fashion. I may even have become somewhat side-tracked along the way, but it was not denial. The stages were a bit more mixed up, more complicated as distractions and other issues came into play. I was very aware death of a spouse, other close loved ones, could place one at risk of becoming depressed — a state I wanted to avoid though I’d never experienced such before. In some ways the experience was less difficult than I might have anticipated, but in other ways was moreso and, perhaps more prolonged. But then the process is highly unique, as are the dynamics of relationships with so many factors coming into play.

    While this was not my situation, but partly because in my work there were many eventually going through loss, I’ve wondered if the experience might be somewhat different if the deceased is someone whose whole personality had altered due to brain function ie. Alzheimer’s is one such prime example. Perhaps in some ways some of those stages may already have been encountered, so when physical death occurs the loved one still living might have other responses. That may be a whole different topic to consider.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      The stages do not always occur in such a linear way—thanks for offering that perspective, Joared. As you say, people may have the experience of going in and out of the various stages. A good point about losing a spouse who has Alzheimers—I think there is always a sense of relief, especially if the illness has been long term. Unlike having a spouse who has a different disease, and dies, those with spouses who have Alzheimers have already lost the center of their relationship. Of course, there is always sadness and many of the same stages, but I do think their loss is tinged with relief.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      I hope it helps some readers understand what may be happening to them, as they work through their personal experience of loss.

  10. your posts are always so well written diane.
    you tackle something they’ve deemed clinical with such compassion and understanding. it needs both really. so that people are supported but know how to get through it eventually too.
    I knew about the stages of grief. my first time was when my father died at 45 of a heart attack. my mother at 51 from lung cancer. you would think those two at my tender age would give me practice to withstand what was to come. and I guess they did.
    but when my husband died at 43 of cancer and I was 33 … and we two having had only almost 17 years together… it knocked me for a loop!
    we were the soul mates you read about. ours was the ‘could have grown old together’ kind of marriage. and I lost him so soon I still see him as a young man!
    grief is grief no matter how many years you are granted together. you go through it the same. I think it’s the amount of love and deep friendship that marks your course!
    thank you for this important post!

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      I’m so, so, sorry for your many losses when so young! I believe, like you do, that grief doesn’t get easier just because you have known your loved one for a longer time. In face, it can be even more intense. Thank you for your wise and mature comment.

  11. My husband of 35 years passed away 10 weeks ago. I’m 67 and he passed the day after his 63rd birthday. I think I’ve finally realized he’s not coming down the sidewalk from work anymore. I seem to run a gambit of feelings on a daily basis. I cry on a daily basis. Nights are the worst for me. I’ve never lived alone and the quietness and loneliness is overwhelming at times. I’ve read a lot of articles and understand that I must experience the grief process, but I’m in a constant battle to just be done with this. I don’t want to join any groups cause I just don’t want to talk about it anymore I guess. I have the TV on day and night just to hear someone talking I guess. I talk to him every day which makes me feel better and constantly look for signs from him.

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