No matter what successes you have had in your life, none of it matters when you descend into loneliness and depression, especially if you are old. Being old can make you more vulnerable than younger people, and more likely to believe you have no options—you feel that you have less time to explore your loneliness, and less likelihood of solving it.
When you admit you are lonely, shallow advice, like “join groups”, or “volunteer”, or “take up a hobby”, come thick and fast from family, friends and advisers—but it only makes you feel inadequate, and guilty that you haven’t tried hard enough.
To address loneliness, and its attendant complication, depression, you will have to look deeper and venture below the surface of the underlying problem—your beliefs and attitude toward life, and how you think about your lonely situation. Psychologists refer to these core beliefs (itemized below) as maladaptive thoughts, which are buried deep within us, but strongly affect our behavior and ability to function.
Using Cognitive Therapy
A branch of psychological thought, Cognitive Therapy, teaches us to examine these thought patterns, and bring them to the light of day. Once revealed, we can explore the way we think, and try to change these damaging beliefs. Some examples of our negative self-talk attached to each belief are offered below:
Defectiveness
This belief reflects a general, usually unexpressed sense, that one is flawed, incompetent, or inferior:
“There’s something wrong with me.”
“Everybody is doing better than me.”
Unlovable
Those who believe they are unlovable think they do not belong, and question whether they deserve love or if they can be loved:
“I’m unlikeable.”
“I’m bound to be rejected.”
Abandonment
This belief prompts people to assume they will lose anyone with whom they form an emotional attachment:
“I am uninteresting and people will leave me because of it.”
“I’m bound to be rejected, abandoned and alone.”
Helplessness/Powerlessness
These beliefs result in people assuming they lack control and cannot handle anything effectively or independently:
“I’m a loser.”
“I am trapped and can’t escape.”
Entitlement
Some people develop this core belief to compensate for feeling defective or socially undesirable, and can lead to making unreasonable demands that others meet your needs:
“If I don’t excel, I’m inferior and worthless.”
“People don’t understand me (I am special/brilliant, but they don’t see it.”)
Care-taking/Responsibility/Self-Sacrifice
This belief refers to excessively sacrificing our own needs in the service of others, where you may feel guilty, and compensate by putting the needs of others ahead of your own:
“I’m only worthwhile if I’m helping other people.”
“If I don’t do it, no one will.”
Taming irrational beliefs
These are irrational and false beliefs, rooted in your childhood and passed on by parents or caregivers. They may originate in experiences you had as a younger person, or they may be part of your emotional make-up. For some of us, these extreme beliefs are so strongly imbedded in us, that we cannot see the underlying untruths. Because they are largely unconscious, the constant stream of damaging messages are hidden from us, and difficult to recognize and change.
Most people will need to work with a psychologist with expertise in Cognitive Therapy to help them recognize and change their damaging thought patterns. Not everyone can afford the time or money to do this. Reading books and studying the many techniques can be helpful. On your own, you can uncover some of the causes of your loneliness, and understand that changing your lonely situation is not just a matter of superficially introducing new hobbies or participating in social events.
Taking a first step
Listening to your self-talk, (illustrated above), and recognizing how that negative thinking relates to your beliefs is an important first step. As you change your negative statements to positive self-talk, you may find your beliefs about yourself may slowly change.
Working with these strategies, especially if you have the guidance of a counselor or psychologist, will help you realize that you are not a passive victim—that you can change your thoughts and behaviors, and, in doing this, change your circumstances.
For those of you who are older, it is important as well, to acknowledge that even though you have reached an understanding of many of life’s problems, loneliness can prove to be unsolvable without intervention or guided self examination.
As an older person, you are more likely to have lost a loved one, you may be living alone, and have health problems, which make mobility more difficult. Feelings of isolation are a real risk, and depression looms. Your changed circumstances bring an entirely new set of challenges for you. You will have to be determined and dedicated to the process of changing your beliefs in order to become a happier, more connected person.
Note:
The above is only a small part of the well known and powerful practice of Cognitive Therapy. Many other manifestations of negative thought patterns (such as future telling and catastrophizing) will be discussed in future articles. Meanwhile, here are some links which will add to your knowledge.
http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/cognitive-behavioral-therapy-for-depression#3
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-success/201010/the-cure-loneliness
With proper guidance and practice a spiritual life can lead to appreciating solitude instead of being lonely.
Yes, some of us enjoy solitude, yet are never lonely. If you are complete within yourself (yes, it’s possible!) you are happy when alone. That does not mean you don’t enjoy the company of others, though.
Thank you for these wonderful links as well as a very interesting article. I feel very blessed to have friends and family nearby. It’s easy for me to make friends, and with the internet, I don’t see how I could ever feel lonely again. 🙂
I have always believed that we make our own luck, Djan. You no doubt make an effort to connect with, and include people in your life. It’s always nice to read your comments, which turn up frequently on other peoples’ blogs, as well!
Wow Diane, what a huge subject! I appreciate your efforts and I truly believe that a great antidote to elder loneliness is to become active online. I read that depression in seniors is less of a problem if they interact with people on social media, email, etc. Just one idea.
Thanks, Lynne! This is a subject worth exploring, and I think you have just given me next week’s topic! I had begun researching ‘cognitive distortion’ as a follow-up to last weeks post, but will get to that later. There is so much to cover in the field of psychology and loneliness. With loneliness at near epidemic levels in today’s society, it’s urgent that people learn more!
Two good books are The Feeing Good Handbook (CBT) by David Burns and The Upward Spiral, by Korb I believe. Also to truly connect with yourself how about Cornell’s The Power of Focusing?
These are good resources, Jean! I’ll take a look, and perhaps readers of this comment will also explore them. I appreciate this!
It is good to draw attention to this problem, especially as women, in particular, are living longer alone. My 94 year old mother has now lived 30 years as a widow.
The group you mention is possibly the most vulnerable and prone to loneliness, and it’s companion, depression. In a future article, I will be exploring whether or not this group participates in social media, which may be a boon to alleviate loneliness in older people. Thanks, Derrick!
Great advice. My mom is lonely now and feels defeated by her mobility limitations.
Limited mobility contributes greatly to feelings of isolation and loneliness. Learning how to use social media can help, I think. I’m researching it now. Thanks, Jane.
Rin, all therapies are limited, and can’t solve all problems, all the time. It seems to me that you have a realistic view of your situation, and spend your time in enriching and fulfilling ways. You may be an introvert, like me. Introverts are quite often very self-sufficient!
Cognitive therapy is a wonderful system. I have worked within it for years with a psychologist, and have managed to overcome all but a few of the irrational beliefs. However, I remain lonely. My fears of abandonment, sadly, have been realized. But with the help of anti-depressants, I am able to spend very little time feeling sad or lonely. Instead, I fill my time with activities: reading, writing, volunteering, playing cards, walking, watching TV, and traveling. I can’t do anything about the choices that other people make, so I concentrate on making good choices for myself, as much as possible. Being older has led me to value each day, since it might be the last! Not in a maudlin way, but in gratitude for what I have and what I have achieved. Thanks for your reminder about the great things that Cognitive Therapy can do!
I’m a fan of cognitive therapy too. I love the speed at which the therapist and I can (usually) nail the problem in my thinking, and how easy it is (usually) to get out of a negative spiral. It doesn’t suit everyone but it sure suits me.
I like the way it uncovers our deepest feelings, those that originated in the wounds we have forgotten and hidden from ourselves. The self-knowledge we get from exploring our thoughts through cognitive therapy is invaluable.
A good summary for consideration. I learned at a very early age that I was basically responsible for my own happiness. Another person was not responsible for making me happy — not that they didn’t affect my feelings. I do think my mother’s attitude toward life coupled with genetics predisposing me to seeing life in positive terms, even in some of the most difficult circumstances, made me better able to cope with times I might have slipped into depression. I still vividly recall when I was young having acute feelings of loneliness, receiving suggestions as to what to do about it and learning in essence that it was up to me. So, I created activities during those years of my somewhat solitary life — learned to distinguish the difference between loneliness and being alone — developed ways to enjoy the latter. That’s not to say there have never been times throughout my life when I experienced what I would characterize as “down” or “blue” times. I consider them as part of the natural continuum of feelings that enable me to appreciate those contrasting times of pure joy and delight. I think what I experience is far different from those whose bio-chemistry is altered to the degree they may need medications for fine-tuning. Also, as an adult I’ve come to see language as a mediator of thought and action — the words we tell ourselves matter. This does not mean we’re Pollyannas and does not preclude our recognizing reality.
Learning that you are responsible for your own feelings and happiness, at a young age, gives you a huge advantage! It takes a lifetime, it seems, for many people to achieve that degree of insight. ‘Language as a mediator of thought and action’—I like that observation!
I suppose I am lucky in that I’m content with my own company but who knows if that feeling would change if my health or circumstances changed.
I wonder if loneliness leads to depression or does depression bring on a sense of loneliness ?
Good question, Cathy! I think depression can stand on its own, it can emerge in any situation, alone or whether you are with loved ones. Loneliness, on the other hand, implies being alone. Does that make sense?
Again, Diane, you demonstrate both understanding and knowledge as you deal with a problem faced by the aging population to which I belong. I read carefully, thought about myself, thought about my elderly loved ones, thought about how I’d react if I became lonely. And, thanks in part to you, I’m quite sure I’d reach out to a professional for help.
We tend to think, because so much help is available on the internet, that we can apply strategies we read about on our own. Sometimes that works, but you are right, there is nothing like having a skilled professional guide us through our self discovery!
The concept of making your own happiness is fine for those of us with some control over our lives. This is not true of many, who deal with serious health issues, indifferent and/or inadequate health services, abusive family members, mobility issues, poverty issues and the list goes on.
I don’t think that lack of control and choice in one’s life is just down to one’s own attitude and feelings. Many people find fewer and fewer choices available to them as they age, and have less control over their lifestyle.
I volunteered in an “old folks home” and by gosh there wasn’t much happiness in there!!! People tied to chairs and lined up all day in front of a blaring TV set, sharing a room 24/7 with a stranger, with few if any personal belongings, isolation from family, friends. The staff were kind and caring people, overworked in an understaffed ghetto for the aged. The happiest people there were those able to make choices for themselves, like play cards with friends, go for a walk on a sunny day, go on a trip to the shopping mall, that sort of thing.
Thus far I am one of the lucky ones with relatively good health, mobility, adequate financial resources, living in a low-crime neighbourhood, and the list goes on. These things do not guarantee that I will not be lonely, because even with all this advantage, sometimes I am lonely.
I grew up with my siblings around me, day and night, year round. That is my default comfort zone, that level of connectedness, that level of familiar company, that level of comaradarie, that level of acceptance. My feelings of loneliness visit me when I am alone and feelings come up that would have been dealt with in the context of that old familiar default belonging, a belonging that no longer exists.
The online community is a blessing for the isolated, allowing like-minded people to interact with each other, without the barriers of mobility, financial status, and social status.
Thanks for your perceptive comment, Maggie. My mother, who had Alzheimer’s in her last years, lived in a care facility. Our family of seven siblings were devoted to her, but most of us lived far away. Those who lived in the same city saw her several times a week, but I know she had many lonely times. It was too late for her to develop new strategies to deal with being alone. We were so thankful to the staff, who took very good care of her. This week’s article deals with the subject you bring up—online friendships. I hope you enjoy it.
Thank you for this helpful post Diane. It’s good to know that there is help out the for older people who have become isolated. Loneliness to me is more about lacking contact with someone we identify with, not the number of people we come into contact with. So yes, other people’s advice can become frustrating and make us feel worse. It’s great to make new friends if you can do it, but they will never replace the old ones you may have lost.
I can also recommend The Feeing Good Handbook (CBT) by David Burns – for younger people as well.
Thank you for the suggestion of the book. It is true, as you say, that you can be lonely in a crowd, if there is no one to relate to. Losing people you love is one of the cruel realities of growing older.
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