Where We Live is Everything (Well Almost)

If you are old, and you have lived in a house with the same partner for most of your adult life, you are part of this interesting Statcan 2011 statistic:

• The majority of Canadians (65.4%) over 65 lived as part of a couple
• Of men 65-69, 66.5% lived in single-detached houses. Of women 60.4% lived in single detached houses
• Of seniors 85 and over, 44.3% of men and 30.9% of women lived in single-detached housing
• All others lived in collective housing or with family

I haven’t found statistics for how many of these older people have lived in the same house for all of their married lives. However, several people in my circle of family, friends and acquaintances are doing exactly that.

My husband and I are not represented in this group—we have been more like the Boomers—switching homes, careers, and sometimes life partners. However, the majority of people born between 1926 and 1945 (the Lucky Few) were more cautious in their life choices. Many met their potential mates in church or in the community, and conformed to the pressures of those institutions. As in their career choices, they opted for safety, staying married when their relationship faltered, toughing it out during challenges with their careers or teenaged children.

Their homes reflected this stability. It was a place for family celebrations, a place to develop hobbies and hone gardening skills. Grown children came home for holidays and Christmas, sometimes coming to stay for longer periods to get over a financial crisis or recover from a broken heart. Mum and Dad were always there, putting on a welcoming face, serving comfort food, dispensing advice and opening their arms to grandchildren.

As years went by, and the house started to show its age, they saw the wisdom of staying put in their neighbourhood. They developed basements to accommodate teenage children, they added needed space, they redecorated and they developed elaborate landscaping. As their relationship ripened, and they no longer saw the need to be “joined at the hip”, they formed specialized spaces for their own interests, a study for him, a studio for her. Gradually some of them emigrated to separate bedrooms.

But life changes, and the biggest change at this stage is loss of health and loss of life. When one partner loses health and vitality, the living situation is at risk. Depending on the seriousness of the health condition, most couples will choose to have the afflicted partner stay at home as long as possible. Friends and family become available—sometimes temporarily moving closer or even moving in—community resources are solicited for help.

Sometimes the shift is sudden and extreme; a partner may suffer a stroke and be moved to a hospital or long-term facility, or have a heart attack and die.
In most of these cases, one partner is left to live alone. By the time they are 85, according to www12.statcan.ca, more women than men choose to make a major living change, with 33.4% of women living in combined housing, and only 21.5% of men opting to move to a combined living facility. Elders left to live alone generally stay in the family home until illness forces them to seek a different arrangement.

In Victoria, Canada, where a large portion of the population is old, it is a common sight—an old house, needing paint and repair, with an overgrown garden, in the most desirable parts of town—left to stagnate. My daughter and I love these neighbourhoods, and often meet there for our evening walk. We come upon these houses frequently, and have many conversations about the lives lived within. In many cases, the houses look abandoned. But amazingly, at the end of our walk, as we double back to our cars, we see a light deep within a room, signalling that a person does indeed still live there.

We have different reactions to this. My daughter, who is fascinated with heritage houses, speculates about the condition of the place: “The windows look original”, she says, “I wonder if some of the interior woodwork is original as well”. I worry about that person inside and what their life is like in this, their last stage of their time.