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Mother’s Day—Memories of Mothers and What They Taught Us

This Mother’s Day, what are your memories of three of the most important people in your childhood—your mother and grandmothers? Do you remember them fondly, with an abundance of love? Will your own children and grandchildren remember you in this way?

My earliest memory is a flash image of me, walking up a small incline on our farm. I’m carrying a container, a tin pail I think, and I’m picking berries.There is someone else in the picture—its my mother and she is saying something. I can hear her voice, speaking softly. My mother has been gone for several years, and I’d give anything to flesh out that memory, and see the complete picture.

Memories of my mother are front and center in my life. I was the second of seven children, and each one of us feels the same way. Growing up during the depression, and losing her own mother to the great flu epidemic when she was an infant, she dedicated her life to us, emerging as a heroic figure who overcame poverty and a limited education to ensure a better life for her children and grandchildren. Our experiences with her, and our memories of her still shape our days, as we recall the things she said and did.

This was not the case with our paternal grandmother. My father’s mother came to this country when she was fourteen years old, and married soon afterwards. She adapted poorly to her new life, and spent years resenting the Canadian culture, and trying to steer her family into adopting the religion and culture of the ‘old world’. As a result, her relationship with her progeny was strained, and our memories of her are mostly negative.

How memories can be a guide

I always thought this was a waste, and a loss to us all. This grandmother, it seemed, squandered a major opportunity in her life—the chance to guide and influence her grandchildren and contribute to the lives of a large family.

My siblings, those of us who became parents and grandparents, have always been conscious of this opportunity. We wanted our children and grandchildren to have happy memories, and to benefit from having us in their lives.

We hoped that they would generalize from their childhood experiences, using them to come to conclusions about how to live happily and responsibly.

In fact, neuropsychologists  underscore the importance of memories, going so far as to suggest that the “purpose” of human memory is to use past events to guide future actions.

Long term memory is like a hard drive

When we discuss memories in this way, of course, we mean long-term memory, the kind that sticks around, not the 15 to 20 second time span that encompasses short-term memory, which many of us realize deteriorate as we age.

Among the many definitions and descriptions of long-term memory in scientific literature, here’s one I like, offered by neuroscientist Dean Burnett, writing for the Guardian:

“If short-term memory is the RAM of a computer, long-term memory is the hard drive, which keeps everything from your failed screenplays to Minesweeper scores. Unlike short-term memories, long-term memories have a physical presence in the brain…Neurons make new physical connections and synapses with each other when a new long-term memory is formed. This connection endures whether it’s being used or not.”

Why this is important

The implications of this are powerful. It seems that long-term memories become part of our mental make-up, and act as influencers in how we conduct our lives. It means that, as parents and grandparents, what we say and do becomes the fabric of the lives of the generations that follow us.

It also means that we should be aware of the importance of creating positive memories in our children and grandchildren. Unfortunately, many people zero in on negative experiences rather than positive ones. This has inspired several studies, with observations like the following, by Clifford Nass, a professor of communications at Stanford University:

“This is a general tendency for everyone. Some people do have a more positive outlook, but almost everyone remembers negative things more strongly and in more detail.”

In all fairness, other studies have emerged since then, inspiring books like The Progress Principle, which suggests that positive experiences prevail over negative ones.

How did we do as parents?

News that positive memories last is reassuring to parents and grandparents of grown children. The key for us, as young mothers, was to focus on the process of parenting, We looked after the basics—loving, guiding and reassuring children—and we were too busy to worry about the outcome or how they would remember their childhood.

We accepted our children as they were, and gradually let go of our role of parenting once they reached adulthood.

We know there will be good memories, and possibly some that are not. But we wanted them to know that every day was filled with love and life, that happiness existed most of the time, and when difficulties arose, they were dealt with.

In adapting to my role of mother to adult children, and grandmother to a young man, I am inspired by memories of my own mother, who met every challenge with fierce devotion and commitment, who accepted her role as leader and influencer, and who never doubted an abundance of love.

Some ideas for creating memories:

I’ll leave you with two comprehensive lists of suggestions for making memories with your children and grandchildren:

Here’s one: And here’s another one

6 thoughts on “Mother’s Day—Memories of Mothers and What They Taught Us”

  1. I disagree that memories are permanent: “Schiller says that memories are malleable constructs that are reconstructed with each recall. We all recognize that our memories are like Swiss cheese; what we now know is that they are more like processed cheese.

    What we remember changes each time we recall the event. The slightly changed memory is now embedded as “real,” only to be reconstructed with the next recall.”

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/am-i-right/201307/your-memory-isnt-what-you-think-it-is

    Memories and interpretations of events are a creative process. I learned this early because of my sister’s and my different memories of my mother and our childhood. How liberating and empowering is that?!

  2. I never saw my maternal grandparents but, had great interactions with my paternal ones and those memories still linger in my mind. My mother was a remarkable influence in my life and an example of great fortitude. Her children and grandchildren still have great affection for her memory and cherish the lessons that she taught. As a parent my late wife and I exposed our son to both sides of his grandparents much to his delight. I don’t have grandchildren but, I think that my late wife and I have done enough in our lives with our son and other children and grandchildren within the family for them to be able to remember us with affection and perhaps even with gratitude.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      It’s wonderful to be able to look back and remember good experiences with your grandparents! You were fortunate! As I mentioned in my article, my maternal grandmother died during the great flu epidemic of 1918. I didn’t mention my maternal grandfather, who didn’t choose to have close family ties while his descendants were growing up. And I think I said enough about my paternal grandmother to fill in the picture! All this made me determined to have a good relationship with my grandson. So I was very happy to receive a text from him late last night, wishing me a happy Mother’s Day! I like your last sentence—it seems your reputation as a wise person is secure, Rummuser!

  3. I am the 4th child of seven and we have the same sorts of wonderful, warm, appreciative memories of our mother as you and your siblings have of yours. So I liked this post about the importance of such memories and how instructive they can be as we go live our lives. I’d never thought about the way memories of my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles inform my thoughts, actions and decisions. This is a powerful piece, Diane.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      It seems it takes a very special woman to be the mother of 7! Of course, in those days, the number of children was not necessarily due to choice!I think about my ancestors frequently. When we really THINK about it, it is a miracle we are born and have lived such long lives, AB! So I am filled with gratitude at times.

  4. Yeah, Another Blogger

    Hello, Diane. My memories of my parents are all good. They were people of excellent character. They’ve been gone for many years, but I think of them very often.

    Bye, till next time —

    Neil

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