What does it take to find your tribe and end your loneliness and isolation? Most likely, it’s an ability to reach out and connect with people.
Some people are naturally good at this. You see them at parties and events, talking, laughing and having fun. They move around the room, igniting small fires of goodwill. Everybody loves them.
You may long to be like them, more outgoing and socially confident. Your past experiences however, bring back reminders of feeling awkward, unable to even start up a conversation.
Perhaps you worry that you will end up asking inappropriate questions or laughing at the wrong times. You are terrified of feeling rejected and out of place.
You suspect that there is some magical secret to the art of social interaction, and some people are just born with it.
In reality, the ‘secret’ is a common skill that everyone knows about, but few have mastered—the ability to make small talk. You too, can learn to do it, and reap the rewards.
Why you should improve your ‘small talk’ skills
For one thing, being a good talker makes other people relax and feel good. Many guests at an event may also be feeling anxious and stressed. By making that first move to connect, you are taking the focus off yourself and helping other people to feel lighter and more included.
The hardest part is getting through the first few words. The truth is the person you are about to talk to is happy you have stepped up to start a conversation. Knowing this will make your jitters go away.
So what is the secret to mastering the ‘art’ of small talk? Here are some things to try:
1. Establish a Shared Experience
At an event or party, walk up to someone standing alone. Start with an opening statement that suggests you might have something in common. You are both at the event so you can say, “Great event, isn’t it?” or, “That last speaker was so interesting!” What you are trying to do is establish a shared experience, so the level of sophistication doesn’t matter. Your goal is to just get the conversation started.
2. Share Your Feelings
Now you can bridge the gap even further by sharing something of yourself. For instance, you can simply say you are having a great time. Share something positive about the host or setting. Now leave it open for the other person to share something about how they feel.
3. Ask Open Ended Questions
Once you get over the first hump, you can continue by asking an open-ended question. These are questions that don’t require a one or two-word answer.
For example, instead of asking, “How long have you lived here?” (which can be answered by a number) you could ask one of the following:
Why did you decide to live here?
What do you like about living here?
Tell me about…
What prompted you to…
4. Use Active Listening
Another way to get a person engaged in a conversation with you is to use active listening. This is where you take the person’s phase and repeat it back to them. It shows you are paying attention and care about what that person thinks. It can be overused, so be careful not to sound condescending and annoying. Done right, it can be very effective.
5. You Can Start to Build Your Tribe
The conversation may reach a natural lull at this point. This might be a good time to disengage. You could show that you have enjoyed the conversation by using body language. This could be a light touch on the elbow or a smile. Then you can exit gracefully, and move on.
Or, if the conversation has really sparked a common interest, you could continue, and agree to meet again.
The many benefits of improving ‘small talk’
Being able to engage with other people comfortably is good for your mind and well-being. Small talk forces you to focus and pay attention to someone else. It prompts you to take another person’s perspective on things. It allows you to refine your social skills and gives you a confidence that can be applied to other situations.
Small talk can also open up opportunities. It can take a conversation from a merely pleasant exchange to the beginning of a relationship or friendship. You never know what connections you can make with a few friendly words! They can even lead to finding your new tribe!
These are such great suggestions! Because I’m not naturally extroverted, I always had a hard time when attending a business event on my own. Then, I learned to look for another person standing by themselves and go talk to them. They were usually very grateful to have someone to talk to and, if nothing else, we usually had “I don’t know anyone here” in common.
Well, that was a good starting point! I’m terrible at cocktail parties, and meeting people in any milieu, actually, but in the days when I needed to do that, I think I developed some strategies that served me well. Eventually, as I grew older and more confident, I got better at it! Having anything in common, even not knowing anyone there, is a starter!
I shudder when you use the term tribe. Tribalism usually means a social identity that excludes people not in your group. One of the saddest things I ever read was a study of the effects of oxytocin, the “love” hormone. Some people thought if they just put it in the drinking water it would lead to harmony, everyone would be kinder and more loving towards one another. But when some scientists studied its effects they found that it made people feel stronger bonds towards their group and more animosity to people not in their group. Here in the U.S. at least we have way too much of that already.
So yes, find people you can relate to and enjoy them, but don’t form cliques and tribes.
“For all its positivity, however, oxytocin has a dark side. Or, more accurately, it plays a more complex role in human behavior than is commonly thought. As a facilitator of bonding among those who share similar characteristics, the hormone fosters distinctions between in-group and out-group members, and sets in motion favoritism toward in-group members and prejudice against those in out-groups. Ongoing research on the hormone is a potent reminder of the complexity of biological and psychological systems.”
—Psychology Today
The mini tribes to which I belong are long past the small talk stage. We discuss matters of great import like the weather, politics and our neighbourhood restaurants.
Your perspective is, as always refreshing, Rummuser! But take it easy on the subject of politics—it can be bad for your blood pressure, given the mood of politics today!
Drink in one hand, tiny canapé on a plate in the other, facing mister “Hail fellow well met” and wondering ‘what the **** am I doing here’ ? .. and, “Yes, I do know a quicker way to get here!” .. “Beam me up Scotty!”
I love this, BJ! Small talk, although a social necessity, is a ‘Royal Pain’ for some of us! I’m glad you injected a much needed touch of humor in this week’s comments!
I have “my tribe” so to speak but your suggestions are good. My only beef would be how to extract oneself from a crashing bore as some of these questions beg such responses, LOL.
I am hopeless at small talk and when I do engage as you suggest attract those CBs to my self.
I tend to hang with people who are deeper and have more meaningful conversations.
XO
WWW
You may be an introvert, and as such, crashing bores will seek you out like a moth to a flame! I guess my next article should be about how to extract oneself from such a situation! I tend to start a conversation with someone who seems to be an introspective person, and end up in a corner having a deep and satisfying conversation. It’s not easier, but it’s more enjoyable!
Good advice!
Social situations can be uncomfortable no matter what age we are.
Have a great weekend, Diane.
Neil S.
Agreed, but we seek them out anyway (at our peril!).
I find that most people respond well to be given an opportunity to talk about themselves. Can be interesting to learn about others.
It’s rare to find a person who responds by asking you about yourself! Talking about themselves makes them feel they matter, and as long it’s reciprocated, it’s healthy and a great way to spend time in a social situation.
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