If you are one of the tens of thousands of people who are experiencing loneliness, and who have a deep craving to be a part of a community, but haven’t been able to find one, you may want to explore what is happening in your life and why.
Why are we so lonely?
Over the past 50 years, our previous social supports of large extended families, church congregations, and closely knit communities have disappeared. And our personal circumstances have changed, as well. We moved away for work, for training, for university. Today, many of us, if we are still working, do our jobs from home, with no work-related support system. Divorce, death of a partner, retiring to a warmer climate, all have worsened what researchers call a world-wide ‘loneliness epidemic’.
Social media has not lived up to its promise to connect us and end loneliness. In fact, in allowing us to withdraw and substitute technology for human contact, it may have increased isolation.
How does loneliness affect us?
There are real reasons to take your loneliness seriously. It’s important to understand what loneliness does to you, both physically and mentally.
In a 2014 article for the Guardian, science editor Ian Sample says this:
“Previous studies have linked loneliness to a range of health problems, from high blood pressure and a weakened immune system to a greater risk of depression, heart attack and strokes. In his recent book, Loneliness, John Cacioppo, a psychologist at the University of Chicago, says that the pain of loneliness is akin to physical pain. “
In this study, more than 2,000 people aged 50 and over were tracked. Shockingly, it was found that the most lonely were nearly twice as likely to die during the six-year study than the least lonely. Loneliness, the study concluded, has around twice the significance for early death as obesity.
How can we change this?
Recognize that loneliness is a sign that something needs to change. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is a sign of insanity, (as Albert Einstein famously said). So be creative and open to trying out something new, like finding your tribe—an edgy new/old idea currently being explored in social media. It’s a simple idea, but it has appeal. It suggests that you search for new friends in a different way—looking for people that will fit exactly into your life— a circle of friends who accept you and your peculiarities, who share your interests and beliefs, and who are like you in some way.
Finding a few people who truly understand you is crucial for your growth and your mental health. Finding your tribe is a life changing experience, and reaffirms who you really are.
How to find your tribe:
Be prepared to make changes that will involve taking chances, and risking feeling uncomfortable at first.
This is a good time to re-visit some of the activities you have tried before, approaching it, this time with a different mindset:
- Look for people who share your interests and values.This will dictate the type of activity you choose. For example, if you are thoughtful and introspective, join a book club or philosophy group. If you love physical activity, join a ballroom dance society, or a walking group. If you like the fun of competition, join a bridge club or a debating society.
- Look for opportunity in everyday encounters. Strike up conversations wherever you happen to be — in line at the post office, at the grocery store, or at a concert. Have a few conversation starters handy so you always have something to say to kick off a conversation. Sit at community tables at restaurants and coffee houses, instead of isolating yourself— get to know the people seated nearby.
- Go deeper to discover what makes you tick. Examine your feelings about being alone, your fears about making new friends, what beliefs are holding you back. It takes courage and may be painful, but do it anyway—believe that it will be worth it.
- Decide what you want in your new relationships. Be specific, spelling out each detail, such as how many people you want in your life, what traits they would have. Commit these thoughts to paper.
- This is your final, and most important step. Decide to trust the process, and surrender. Be prepared to step back and let it happen.
Whether you are older, a baby boomer, or someone much younger, whether you are looking for a new friend, a community, or a partner in life, using this process of examining, defining, and letting go will always work. Trust that by doing the inside work, you can find the circle of relationships that you need to end your loneliness—you can find your tribe.
Thank you for opening this conversation. I always look forward to your posts. I have found that I have had different tribes at different times in my life. And, the older I get the smaller the tribe is and the less need I have for tribe. I have enjoyed blogs like yours’, books, hobbies and nature and these have become my “tribe’. Thanks again.
You, and many others! I didn’t include this in my current post, but many of us (me included), enjoy our solitude, and choose to be alone as much as we can. It seems to be our nature, maybe we are introverts, maybe we have just matured into this way of being, but many others are different, and much more anxious to connect. Each to their own!Thanks, Linda!
@Linda, You make an interesting observation. In my research I found that many Seniors 50+ are confused and have bouts of anxiety, depression and loneliness because of an unsuccessful transition from their traditional job (tribe) to part-time or full-time retirement. In essence they have become what you have said, “becoming my tribe’. Assuming that we possibly might get 20-30 years or more of a retirement life do you think that having almost 100% leisure activities will be enough to sustain you and be the best that you can be. Ten years ago I was doing almost exactly what your doing right now and becoming ‘my tribe’. However, at the same time I was searching ‘for my calling’ by walking in our local beautiful River Valley 3-4 hours per day. I was not interested in linking up with other people’s tribes eg. MLM (Network Marketing) kind of tribes. After many years of searching I created a tribe of Seniors 50+ and founded the Seniorpreneur Project helping empower Seniors 50+ with the topics of financial literacy, lifelong learning & senior entrepreneurship. In other words, my situation might be described as your ‘my tribe’ but at the same time I’m encouraging other Seniors 50+ to end loneliness not by performing activities alone in their own home, but by reaching out to their own communities to find suitable opportunities, where you can help other people and yourself to be less isolated and more important in our society.
Joe, Thank you for your comment. I want to check this out. I need to also say I’m still working full time and have a husband. I have a small circle of friends also. However, all that said I’m an introvert and I do believe that makes a difference too.
Joe, I admire you for what you do, and I’m thankful for the dedication you have showed. Of course, just as you say, you are benefiting yourself, by participating in something you enjoy, with people you connect with. You make a very good case for retirees to be involved in some manner of work. I agree that finding something meaningful to do helps them defeat isolation and loneliness. But you will find the full range of people among our numbers. Some feel perfectly happy meditating, reading, walking, in other words, just enjoying their leisure. I’m one of the people who need to do something that makes me feel I am contributing. I think you are the same. It takes all kinds!
I spend most of my time by myself and haven’t felt lonely in years. I feel deeply connected, but not to a tribe.
I am someone who doesn’t suffer from loneliness. I am connected to my inner self.
I’m glad you can feel so connected when you spend so much time alone—that says a lot about your inner life, and your maturity. Thanks, CM.
Since I retired and moved to another province I have a hard time to connect to anybody. I am outgoing, not shy to talk to anybody, friendly, kind, had joined several courses but never met anybody.
Give yourself time, Elisabeth. You have the attributes that should help you pave the way to find a new group of friends. I hope you will consider some of the points I suggested in my article, especially #5. Thanks for contributing!
A few years ago I felt I had become disconnected- not lonely – so joined various ‘groups’ with the aim of having more people in my life.
Guess what- slowly but surely I’m ‘dropping out’…….they have become almost a burden…….I want my peace and solitude back!
It must be difficult for those who are truly lonely to summon up the courage to try and find a ‘tribe’ to connect with. As you said, it needs time to work through the list, time to check the advantages and disadvantages, all the time feeling lonely inside and wondering if they are doing the right thing.
Cathy, I chuckled when I read your comment! I’m dropping out as well, not because of the people (I value them all), but because having obligations and planned activities keeps me away from the things I want to do, which, I admit, are totally introspective (and probably self-indulgent!).
I belong to many tribes and that is also a problem. I am unable to cull some of them for fear of hurting people.
A wonderful dilemma, Rummuser! Actually, in all seriousness, having too many people in your life can be a problem, especially if you are kindhearted. But you need your ‘alone time’, so you have to make some changes. If you find a nice way to go about this, please write about it!
Though my tribes are fewer in number now, I value them more than when I was younger, moved into and out of tribes and felt varying degrees of satisfaction with my membership in them. I now value every member in every tribe I belong to, including the tribe that consists of my house, yard, the birds that visit it, the flowers that grow in it, my husband and me. And when Joel’s golfing or otherwise occupied, just me.
I love the idea of everything in your immediate house being part of your tribe. It makes total sense, and reflects what is meaningful in your life!
I recall first experiencing loneliness for periods when I was young, isolated geographically. I learned creating my happiness in that situation was my responsibility, as I recall my mother saying when I complained of being bored — “Well, you’ll just have to find something to do.” I came to appreciate many activities, preparing me well to enjoy solitude and my own company.
I’ve enjoyed many tribes in succeeding years, — too many people sometimes — then circumstances caused them to gradually dwindle in number, with many ultimately passing away. Subsequent efforts after my husband’s sudden death to find new ones were not viable due to no fault of my own. I soon realized I really didn’t mind being left to my own devices and was enjoying the freedom of my solitude. That’s pretty much how I feel now, though I may recently have backed into what could become a new local tribe that I may not want to allow to infringe too much into my solitary time.
This happens to some of us as we age—finding that we prefer solitude after all. Lucky for us if we do, since ageing carries with it the definite possibility that our friends and family will diminish as death and illness take their toll. But some people don’t have that experience, and spend many years giving in to loneliness and sadness. Having more people in their circle gives them comfort, and distracts them from the worries that come with age. But connections are fewer as we age, and it becomes harder to find new people to satisfy those needs.
Hi Diane! Great post for sure bringing up such an important issue. I am a “gemini” by nature, meaning that I long for quiet time AND social time about equally. But because I have always been a self-employed writer, I work alone most days and find myself craving the company of others. Becuase I was feeling a bit lonely last year I set the intention to reach out more in my community. I joined a couple of book clubs, did some volunteering, and took some classes that focused on my interests. I’ve also done like you suggest, forced myself to start up conversations with people who I might have avoided in the past. And I think it’s working. I have expanded my circle of friends and am feeling much more connected and happy as a result. But I agree that it takes effort. Still, at 63 I figure I’m going to be around for many more years and like the idea of growing friendships. Thanks for reminding us all! ~Kathy
I know a few ‘Gemini’ people, and I think you pegged this accurately!LOL You are lucky to need (and want) a balance in your human relationships. My response to your list of new connections had me wondering how you find the time! But that’s just me—I can never have enough ‘alone time’, and am constantly looking for ways to whittle down my social obligations—(and managing the guilt I feel about that!) As we grow older, we are wise to understand our needs, and adjust accordingly. Seems you are on the right path!
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