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Culling Your Relationships As You Age

IMG_1656 Culling RelationshipsThe first sign of impending old age, and it’s twin, Alzheimer’s, the pundits say, is the tendency of older people to put less effort into their social network. “Mum doesn’t go out much anymore”, adult children worry, “Her circle of friends is getting smaller and smaller.”  It could be her health, they think, or maybe she’s depressed. She was always set in her ways, others may say, and as she gets older, this just gets worse. Or, worry of all worries, maybe she doesn’t feel she has anything to live for anymore.

If they took a closer look, however, they would see that Mum is just fine—she fills her day with many activities. She may take her time over coffee to read her newspaper in the morning, maybe do a little dusting to keep things up. Later, she may spend some time on a project—filing old photos, or tending her patio garden. She may decide to go for a walk, or read, or even watch a favorite tv program.

All of these activities are wholesome and satisfying for a person who likes her own company and finds pleasure in doing what she wants to do, in her own time. On the other hand, researchers like Yvonne Michael,  have conducted large scale studies which determine that being connected to community as you age is significantly beneficial.  Other studies suggest that social isolation is considered a major factor in the rising numbers of Alzheimer’s cases. Lonely individuals may be twice as likely to develop the type of dementia linked to Alzheimer’s disease in late life as those who are not lonely, according to a study by researchers at the Rush University Medical Center.

These research studies are only two in a wide swath of studies which point out the danger of not having social connections.  It’s enough to make seniors rush out and join bridge clubs, book clubs, lawn bowling, dance groups—anything to stave off the possibility of setting the stage for Alzheimer’s.

But new research, conducted by Stanford University suggests that having elders limit their social contacts is no cause for alarm.

Laura Carstensen, a Stanford University psychologist, believes it is all part of a process she calls socio-emotional selectivity theory. Essentially, as people age, she says, they prune their social circles to those who provide the greatest social and emotional reward. Time is the key. When it is perceived as limited—either because of pressing family and work demands or because the future literally shrinks as people age—people spend it with those dearest. “We may have fewer friends, but are closer to them,” she says.

As we age, we focus on the time we have left.  We tend to be more judicious about who we spend our time with. So, unconsciously, we start to prune our relationships. We say “no” to a casual friend who wants to meet us for coffee, and who we know takes an inordinate length of time to tell personal stories about others. We cancel a meeting or an outing with groups that we have outgrown. We think twice before we write that commitment in our calendar, weighing other demands on our time, and choosing to meet with people closest to us.

Given the countless studies that reference the need to stay socially engaged as we become older, it’s important that we recognize when it feels better to limit our social obligations, and be alone.  As with everything in our lives, we need to find balance in our relationships. Limiting ourselves to two or three close friends may be the best recipe for peace of mind and a contented life.

2 thoughts on “Culling Your Relationships As You Age”

  1. I agree with your thoughts on choosing meaningful relationships as we age, Diane.
    When I retired 19 years ago I filled my free time with volunteer work, meetings and organizing different events.
    In the last few years I’ve greatly decreased these activities in order to take part in other interests. e.g. Joining a group to fight against urban drilling, attending interesting talks, joining classes for healthy living and continue spending time with family and friends My point is that we feel guilty that we don’t do enough for others and suddenly realize that time is running out and now is the time for “me”.
    Continue sharing your thoughts. This an interest to me because I am one of the lucky few.
    Ruby

  2. Thanks, Ruby. I totally agree. My first years after retirement were filled with groups, classes and meetings. Now I’m happy to spend time with only a few family members and valued friends. Of course, life still intervenes, and I get crazy busy. But I do feel I have more control of my time.

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