When does the word “Dear” mean something other than, “I like you and want to convey my affection.” Possibly when you are a small, old person, standing in flats because your feet hurt too much to wear heels, making you look even smaller and frailer than you really are, and much to your chagrin someone calls you “dear”.
“Well that’s your problem”, the clerk says, “I certainly didn’t mean to offend you by addressing you in such a nice, kind way.”
“Well. Nooooo. I am not offended. I simply want to let you know that old people are grown adults who deserve to be addressed in an adult way.”
“Well if I called you a silly old woman, would you feel better?”
“OK, now I’m offended.”
So, not only are old people considered foolish, doddery, too fragile to be addressed directly—now they are spoken to as if they are children.
Always one to pay attention to my gut feelings, I clearly recall the first time I was addressed as “Dear”. I remember thinking, “Oh, no, not that! I didn’t think I looked that old.” So the word had its swift, intended or unintended outcome: it made me feel bad.
At the same time, I don’t think I fully understood the implications of what had just happened. I only knew this:
- I felt slightly annoyed
- I felt somewhat shamed
- I also felt I was over-reacting and should ignore it
But it happened again and again. Thinking that it happened to me because I was a woman, I chalked it up to sexual discrimination. But then I heard a young woman call an elderly man, “Dear”. I wondered how he felt, being the fine, tall, distinguished-looking fellow that he was.
Then it slowly dawned on me— this was an epidemic of disrespect, a wave of negative, oversimplified, exaggerated beliefs about old people.
The following list includes some of the more common myths that we encounter every day. Many of these myths or stereotypes, surround older people:
- Sickness and disability come with old age
- Old people are sweet and kind and at peace with the world
- Old people are weak and helpless
- Old people are boring and forgetful
- Old people are unproductive
- The majority of older people are set in their ways, unable to change
- The majority of older people are lonely and are isolated from their families
These generalizations are erroneous because they indiscriminately attribute the same characteristics to all old people, not taking into account the different qualities and abilities within the group.
Some old people are indeed slow-moving and forgetful, but so are any number of younger people. And yes, some old people are sweet and kind, but when these traits are taken to mean they are child-like and simple-minded, than it is not surprising that younger people condescending call them “Dear.”
We obviously cannot fight all erroneous perceptions. Stereotypes are powerful, and will always exist. But we can take steps to assert ourselves and educate all we come into contact with.
Over time I hope to do my part in breaking down these stereotypes in my own life. When someone calls me “Dear”, (or sweetie—much worse), I now say:
- “You might not think so, but calling me “Dear” is not a compliment. It actually is condescending, so please don’t do it.”
- “We usually call children, or spouses “Dear”, and since I’m neither, please don’t address me as “Dear”.”
- “If I was a policemen, a doctor, or your teacher, would you call me “Dear”?”
This takes courage, and we have to be prudent in our choice of setting. I wouldn’t attempt to take up this issue with an angry, stressed-out clerk or public servant who is apt to take the battle to the next level! But it is my belief that slowly, with careful and consistent pressure, attitudes toward old people, and the way we are addressed, can be changed.