How Perfectionism Conspires to Make Us Miserable

Like most people, I am happiest when things in my life work, when everything goes according to plan, and I can get through my day comfortably, and end up with a sense of satisfaction. But life isn’t like that—things can go wrong in spite of our best efforts, and suddenly we are thrown completely off track.

For me, this week has been a case in point. I’ve had one of those periods when machines, schedules, appointments, even daylight saving time seemed to conspire against me, setting up one stumbling block after another. I was left with a feeling of frustration, a sense of powerlessness, and more than a little anger at the doctor who kept me waiting for 60 minutes on Monday, the phone company that kept me on the line for 90 minutes on Wednesday, the friend who stood me up for a meeting on Thursday.

Getting a grip on reality

But none of these incidents sound serious—and they aren’t. So what is it about me that ties me up in knots and makes me so stressed out? When things pile up like this, I know there’s a lot more than bad luck going on, and I need to pay attention to what’s causing me to make a big deal out of minor irritations.

Did I just say I bring this on myself? Am I admitting that I’m the one responsible, and that no one else is to blame? Yeah, I did—I know exactly what is pulling the strings and making me impatient and miserable—it’s my old pal, perfectionism.

Perfectionism is not absolute, it comes in varying degrees. Some days you might have a handle on it—you can talk yourself into seeing the big picture, thinking about the positives in life. But if you are subject to perfectionism, it’s always there, lurking in the background, ready to bring you down.

This week’s bout was quite mild, as perfectionism goes, and I was able to give myself a ‘time out’, go for walk, chat with people along the way, and regain my equilibrium.

What goes on in the mind of the perfectionist?

As someone who has always had these tendencies, I know that being perfect is never pretty. This psychological profile will give you a glimpse into how perfectionists think, and what they do:

If they can’t do it perfectly, they won’t do it at all

Perfectionists tend to set high goals, and work toward them. They avoid attempting something that they are unlikely to master.

They demand perfection in others
Perfectionists are extremely demanding of others, but most of the pressure to be perfect is directed at themselves.

If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing perfectly
Goals aren’t always reasonable—everything must be done to a standard which seems unreasonable to others.

They don’t care about the process, only the result
Whereas others enjoy the process of striving, learning, and eventually reaching a goal, perfectionists see the goal and nothing else. Meeting the goal, and avoiding failure, is paramount.

Failure is a not an option
Anything less than having a perfect result means a perfectionist has failed—and that’s tough for them—they wallow in their feelings of disappointment, and bury themselves in negativity—bouncing back when their expectations are unmet takes them longer and requires a big effort.

They procrastinate
Wanting so badly to succeed in producing something perfect, perfectionists are prone to acute procrastination—when faced with a project they think they won’t do well, they become ‘frozen’ and unable to begin. This immobilization is not conscious in many cases, and perfectionists may not fully understand what it is that keeps them unable to ‘get going’ and start a task.

And there’s more—this complex personality type may include other behaviors such as the inability to accept criticism, and pervasive low esteem, which has its own set of outcomes, such as isolation and loneliness.

Can anyone—even you—be a perfectionist?

Nobody sets out to be a perfectionist. Something in our psychological make up, in our experiences, or maybe our birth order prompts us to develop these characteristics. Recognizing that a change is needed is the first step. Trying to understand what drives us, and redirecting those energies may help us avoid perfectionist thinking. The good news is that it is possible for perfectionists to achieve some inner peace and even  accept ‘almost perfect’ results more times than not.

You may see some of these traits in yourself. And there’s a good chance you might think some aspects of being a perfectionist are just fine. After all, who doesn’t want to see themselves as perfect?

But be aware—it comes at a price, since perfectionists actually tend to achieve less and stress more than others. That means that being a perfectionist makes it harder to meet your potential or even get close to what you know you can do.

The problem with perfectionism—and why you might want to know if you possess any perfectionist traits and what to do about it—is that perfectionists are never really satisfied with their lives, and suffer from a constant feeling of never being ‘enough’. If you suspect you might have perfectionist tendencies, here’s a quiz for you:

If you are really serious about changing your tendencies, and venture online for suggestions, you will be met with countless articles offering help. After reading several, I settled on   this link, which gave me a clear perspective, and a bonus quotation:

“People throw away what they could have by insisting on perfection, which they cannot have, and looking for it where they will never find it.”
Edith Schaeffer