My Senior Friends: Nancy’s Hoppin’ Mad About Ageism

As I enter our favorite coffee place, I can tell that my two friends, Marlene and Nancy are having a lively discussion. They are both pouring over an article, and Nancy is waving her iphone around, never a good sign.

“That doesn’t bother me at all,” Marlene is saying, “It’s just what everyone says, and we have always considered it harmless.”

“It’s not harmless!” Nancy puffs, “When somebody says things like, “50 is the new 20, or 60 is the new 40, or any stupid comparison like that, they are saying that being 50 or 60 or 70 for that matter, is not fashionable, or hip, or even acceptable!”

“Hold it, hold it,” I venture. I can tell Marlene is getting upset, and I hate to see that. “You are both right. Yes, denying age in that way isn’t harmless, and yes, we have always swept comments like that under the rug. I think that is the problem. Maybe people aren’t careful about what they say when it comes to ageism.”

“Are you calling this ageism?” Marlene says, “Is this another ‘ism’ of yours, Diane, like ‘sexism’, and ‘racism’, the bandwagons that you jumped on before?”

“Call it whatever you want.” I say simply, “But it’s not just a bandwagon, none of these big issues ever are. But this one is special. This is about us, and we have precious little time to do our part.”

“Amen,” Nancy says, with a smug little smile.

“C’mon, you two,” I say, coaxing them out of their corners, “I’m glad you are discussing this. I think this article you printed, Nancy, appeared in the Huffington Post yesterday. It’s really topical.”

“Actually, I saw it on Facebook. You posted it. It really hit the mark. Just the thing I’ve been thinking about lately.”

“Ok, ” Marlene says, “I’m always willing to learn. So tell me what is so awful about saying things like ’60 is the new 40′?”

“Nancy?” I nod at her. “You take this one.”

“Well for one thing, saying things like that is denying that anybody who is 50 or 60 or 70 is worthwhile. You are saying that they have to pretend they are younger. And so many buy into it. There is an entire industry devoted to it—the anti-aging skin cream industry for one.”

“And the supplement industry. And the fashion industry. Not to mention the plastic surgery industry!” I chime in. “I think I mentioned these in a post I did last fall called, “No Virginia, Sixty is not the new Forty.”

“There’s more in this article.” Nancy says, “Another phrase, ‘You don’t look your age.’ This masquerades as a compliment, but really isn’t.”

Marlene can’t believe what she is hearing. She has always loved having people comment on her youthful appearance.

“What on earth is wrong with that?” she sputters.

The article says that comments about not looking your age reinforce the belief that old is automatically unattractive or decrepit  or not sexy. And that people should just stick to ‘You look good.’ ” They suggests you could say this when people say you don’t look your age, ‘What do you expect a person of my age to look like? A crypt-keeper?'”

“The article has some really good points,” I say, “But let’s not take someone else’s opinion. Let’s think for ourselves—how do you feel when someone says you don’t look your age?”

“Well, I’m embarrassed,” Nancy says immediately, “I duck the comment, sort of gloss over it and go to another topic. Quite frankly, I don’t know what to say. It seems demeaning. I know I look my age, and I’m comfortable with that. How about you, Diane?”

“I get flustered. I know they are not being honest. I think they are just flattering me, for whatever reason.” I say.

But Marlene is quiet. We can practically see the wheels turning. This is a new idea for her, and she needs to take her time.

“Think about it this way,” I urge, “If you said to a black person, ‘You don’t look very black, you could pass for white,’ how do you think they would feel?”

“Or, if you said to a woman today,” Nancy continues, “like they used to before sexism was practically stamped out, ‘You could do this job—you think like a man,’ you’d be taking your life in your hands!”

Marlene is shifting in her chair. I can see the lights coming on.

“I think I see it now,” she finally says, “But it’s so much clearer when it’s sexism, racism, or discrimination against any other group.  It seems so harmless when it’s directed at older people. It’s because it’s natural to be getting old. Everyone’s going to get older, so it’s as if people are including themselves when they make those comments.”

“Actually, they are not.” Nancy is emphatic, “We are separate from younger people. They think they will never get old. It’s human nature to avoid the unpleasant truth about old age.”

I look at my phone. It’s getting late. But I know this discussion isn’t over, and we will re-visit it over and over.  Nancy doesn’t have all of the answers and neither do I. But I’m happy that we have opened this—the most important issue of our lives. Marlene is still confused, I know. But she is getting there. She is in that uncomfortable stage where her world is shifting to make room for a new idea.