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Solitude: The Gift of Reflection

solitude“For a younger person,” Carl Jung says, “it is almost a sin—and certainly a danger—to be too much occupied with himself. But for the aging person, it is a duty and a necessity to give serious attention to himself.”

Like Jung, I believe that the end stage in life, where many of us are now, is a time to think, to reflect, to make sense of everything that had gone on in our lives before, and to pay attention to ourselves.

This kind of remembering, and thinking, requires that we remove all chaos from our lives, still our thoughts, and find a quiet place in which to think. It requires being alone. and yes, solitude. This runs against the grain of much that is currently proposed about being solitary. Being alone goes hand in hand with being lonely, psychologists and researchers say. The dangers of loneliness in the elderly are so well documented that any image of an older person sitting alone evokes feelings of dread and despair in us.

There’s an urgent fundamental need portrayed in that image, sociologists would have us believe:

“Loneliness reflects a very fundamental need to feel connected,” Dr. Louise Hawkley writes in the journal of Psychology and Aging, “In evolutionary terms, you had to have the sense that you had your back covered. You traveled in groups, in tribes, in families. Anything to fend off threats from the environment … and that, I think, persists. We still need to feel like we belong, like we’re connected.”

In a recent book, Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, social neuroscientist John Cacioppo notes that social isolation can be twice as threatening to our health as obesity, and is equally dangerous to our health as smoking. Other research suggests that loneliness increases the risk of high blood pressure (Hawkley et al, 2010) and that lonely individuals are at higher risk of the onset of disability (Lund et al, 2010)

Possibly the most disturbing research is a study undertaken by the Rush Alzheimer’s Disease Center in Chicago, concluding that lonely individuals may be twice as likely to develop the type of dementia linked to Alzheimer’s disease in late life as those who are not lonely.

Research supporting the opposing argument—that being alone is actually beneficial, and should be desired, exists as well. It’s a much thinner and less compelling collection, but its worthy of note. These observations are, understandably, led by writers and poets who value being alone, and know they can’t survive and thrive while in the whirl of a social life.

Being alone is not the same as being lonely, of course. Lots of people are happy to sit in their homes, reading or writing or playing computer games and not see another human being for days. Knowing that they can rely on a consistent and supportive family or social circle whenever they want to reconnect with people is what makes the difference. As long as there is choice, being alone presents no problem.

Author Bella DePaulo considers this question. She says,

“When I was writing Singled Out, I read voraciously about demographic patterns (such as the increase in 1-person households) and about loneliness, and thought a lot about my own life. I live alone and I am almost never lonely. I am also rarely bored. Then I realized something that seemed startling at first: During those atypical times when I am bored, I am almost always with other people. I’m never bored when I’m alone.”

Despite social biases against solitude and introverted personality traits, many find that spending time alone can be an enjoyable thing — and in fact, those who enjoy purposeful solitude are said to experience cognitive benefits including enhanced creativity.

But it goes beyond that—It seems that human existence has conspired to give us the experience of being alone in old age, whether we value it or not. People who have been with us most of our lives die, children move away, friends disappear. Our grandchildren, even though they love us, limit their time with us, opting for friendships of their own generation.

What is left is more solitude than we ever imagined. We can look at it as a depletion, something that is taken away from us. We can resist this new life, look upon it as enforced isolation. Or if we have taken time to experience purposeful solitude during our lives, if we have become acquainted with it, we will look at it another way—as a gift.

28 thoughts on “Solitude: The Gift of Reflection”

  1. A lovely article. I find I like my time alone especially when I can be outside. I also like my time with specific female friends, it is a recharging feeling. I am seeing that I have in a way disconnected from the current world affairs and mindsets and it feels much more peaceful to reflect on the natural beauty around me and spiritual pursuits. Thank you for this I needed to read that it was ok to like solitude.

  2. Still the Lucky Few

    It’s spring here in the Pacific Northwest, and being outside is pure pleasure! I have a tiny garden in front of my condo, so I’m planning to putter about in it, and except for the birds, I’ll most likely be alone! Glad you share that mindset!

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      Yes, it depends, to some extent, on the words we use. Also, having an active life (projects, creative work) helps as well.

  3. It is a gift to have the time to think your own thoughts without distraction. Solitude and loneliness are two distinct things. Solitude is, as you said, an activity that is chosen. Loneliness is an emotion that is sometimes thrust upon a person by life’s circumstances. I agree Dianne that we are given the gift of this time and we should use it wisely and perhaps one of those uses should be to “put our house in order”.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      Bernadette, how timely that you should say that! I am currently clearing out a storage area in the condo basement, that I have neglected for ten years!

  4. I really liked this post. As a person who as lived alone for many years, I found that you covered all the positive and negative aspects of being alone, being lonely, and knowing the difference between them. Being alone can often be a gift, especially if one has access to loved ones near by.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      I agree, it helps if people you love live nearby, and even if they live with you, it important to respect the others’ desire for solitude. I like Cheerful Monk’s perspective (below) of “parallel play”—each working on their own projects, yet being together in other ways

  5. I agree – being alone does not equate with loneliness. The answer is to have the choice of spending time with others when you’d like. This calls for keeping connections strong with friends and family. Even as a young child, although I had many friends, I treasured my “alone time”. This continued all through my life, and now I love my household of one — plus 3 cats! Perhaps pets are a subject you can explore.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      Great suggestion, Virginia! Pets are wonderful company, as many of my friends and family will attest. Seems, since I love to garden, I’ve always put that first, even while living in a condo!

  6. Lois Whitnan-Hess

    I’m not sure how I feel about the future. There are days I want to be completely alone and then there are days I want to mingle. I do believe in leaving plenty times to think. Thank you for your words. A good reminder for all.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      Looks like you are striking an important balance here. Thanks for this comment, Lois!

  7. I’ve always cherished and protected my solitude time, so no problems here. Andy and I indulge in parallel play, so we each spend most of our time on our own projects, but it will still be a wrenching loss when one of us dies.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      Parallel play—I liked your comment so much, I mentioned it in a reply to another reader.

  8. I love my solitude, but have always been uneasy about living alone. To my surprise, I learned that Dr. Dean Ornish had similar feelings when he began college years ago, and even contemplated suicide. He had a wonderful family but — to paraphrase — they were the Borg. He had no sense of himself outside this warm big bowl of oatmeal that was the loud, intrusive, opinionated Ornish clan. To become healthy, he had to become independent. He had to learn to individuate. Thus it is with me, and at 62 I still struggle to be independent, fully myself, when I have no family around to make me feel complete. Yet I crave the silence. I can only hope that at some point I’ll mature fully, now that I understand it. Life is complicated.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      I haven’t lived alone very much in my long life, but during the years I was by myself, I always had the feeling that things weren’t quite right. I’m quite content now, having found a balance between company (my husband, my grown children) and solitude. If I don’t have the requisite “alone time”, I become restless and annoyed. Fortunately, everyone understands! And you, being a writer, must have silence in order to work, true?

  9. Thoreau has some great quotes about being alone. Something like …being alone, so dreaded in youth and now so
    cherished.

  10. there are other problems with living alone – which lead people (mostly friends) to explain that the reason of me:

    looking sad, serious, not smiling, not talking through to much talking is because I’m actually lonely and a lone!

    I like living alone (95% of the time) – the 5% is when I would like someone else to mow the lawn, take out the garbage, make dinner, certain other repetitive chores…

    I like to do: reflection, going out, eating whenever, just sitting and being, making art, getting up in the middle of the night and note an idea, reading – WHENEVER I WANT!

    I have been trying out “bucking the system” whatever that means…yesterday I took no needlework to do (everyone else was busy: spinning, knitting, felting) – I sat around chatting and watching! It was so much more fun for me.

    Today I’m trying to rectify some mess that some stupid demolition people created when trespassing on this property – not sure how it will work…because when I was clearing the cut branch/twig mess I realised some plants completely destroyed!

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      Glad you appreciate your own company, and sorry you had to clean up after some irresponsible people!

  11. I think I will embroider your final sentence on a pillow for my favorite chair: “Or if we have taken time to experience purposeful solitude during our lives, if we have become acquainted with it, we will look at it another way—as a gift.” It says so much of what i believe; though I can be a social introvert, I find I thrive when alone with my thoughts.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      I appreciate that comment so much! You are a serious writer, so I knew you would like this. Not everyone agrees, of course! However, solitude is not a luxury to some of us, it’s a necessity.

  12. I so appreciated your post–and the comments that have followed. I generally describe myself as “a bit of an introvert,” nearly in the sense of an apology; whereas, it simply means I treasure my time with you, but I also treasure my time alone. I am energized by solitude. It’s hard for my sweet uber-extroverted mate to understand, but we’re working on it and finding the balance. I am fortunate in that I have a choice and I am thankful for that.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      Sometimes our partners do have trouble understanding, especially if they are extroverts! Explaining it and keeping the lines of communication open does help. Good luck.

  13. You’re right to draw the distinction between being on one’s own and being lonely. I’ve always been good with my own company, but that probably explains why I’m divorced! The important thing is to achieve a balance, and to recognise when solitude starts to become isolation.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      Solitude can become isolation, very true. I think we need friends and family in our network to give us a nudge when this becomes apparent! I think all writers are in danger!

  14. Yes, how we experience being alone, our attitude. state of mind, language we give ourselves, has a significant bearing on how our health is affected. Do we know ourselves and honor our needs — acting to seek out others when needed, or waiting to be found. At least this is how it seems to me. I’m grateful that I learned to appreciate solitude at a very young age.

    1. Still the Lucky Few

      Finding your own company ‘enough’, and making the most of solitude, invariably leads to you becoming in demand as a contact and friend. Hating being alone, on the other hand, is a sure way to enforced solitude—and that is never good!

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