Divisive Politics Can Damage Your Relationships—What You Can Do About it

 

 

I am back from a month-long vacation. Thank you everyone, for sending me off with your best wishes for a restful break! I feel refreshed, and I think for the most part, I used my time well—as you can see, while away, I updated some aspects of this blog.

My timing for the break was not the best, however. I landed smack-dab in the middle of the Kavanaugh hearings, and with more time on my hands, I was drawn into that massive, chilling, divisive  event.

I had the opportunity, as we all did, to witness just how divisive issues involving values can be. We’ve seen the full spectrum of bad behaviors during the past few months of the Trump presidency, from heated discussions, to name-calling and assaults on the news media.

Opposing views among friends and families are occurring across Canada, the United States, and other Western democracies. On a personal level, they have dominated celebrations and get-togethers,  sometimes culminating in rancor and distrust that will last for years. Friends, relatives and acquaintances have found it difficult, even impossible, to disagree politically and remain friends. Entire social structures have been up-ended, with family members actually disowning their relatives.

During the course of the hearings, I spoke with people in my own family who say they have become very guarded in conversations with those members who hold opposing views. This, in a family that has always plunged into any and all topics with vigor and abandon, and with a willingness to accept and forgive all differences!

There are few alternatives when you find that you are seriously divided over an emotionally charged political situation. If you have been burned, once or twice, in discussions involving politics, it’s tempting, to avoid that topic, or in some cases, to avoid the person altogether.

But that approach solves nothing—it doesn’t acknowledge that we all have a right to our beliefs—convictions that should be heard and respected, without endangering our friendships, or our family ties.

Hopefully, instead of watching our relationships fall apart over disagreements over politics, we can take steps to help those friendships flourish.

Here are some solutions to consider:

Establish that they are loved

Reach out to your friend, with a kind look, a soft touch on the arm, a tender voice. Let them know that there is still love between you. Remind them of the good times you have had together, and how you value those memories.Tell them they are worth the effort of searching for common ground, and you are prepared to fight for their friendship.

Acknowledge their point of view.

Admit your humanity with comments like, “I understand you feel like you do because of your experiences. Mine have been different, and my views reflect how I have lived my life.”Or you could say, “Everyone has their own biases. Mine are like this because of my work, or what I read.”

Take competition out of it

You might be convinced the other person is verging on cruelty and lack of humanity, when supporting issues like taking children from parents, and that you are morally right. But if you are sincere about trying to save this relationship, you might want to back off of the “I’m bigger and better than you are” approach. Remove your superiority and the desire to win the argument. Adopt a humble and open attitude, and be genuinely curious about why they think as they do

Ask them to take responsibility

You could say, ” I’ve been taking note of the things you say, and how you say them. You come across very strong, and you make me feel there is no room for my opinions. You discount my views, and never consider that yours may be unwarranted, that my views have legitimacy. I’d like you to try to listen, and figure out if there may be a sliver of truth in them.”

I was intrigued to come across an experiment by Todd Shenk, a Professor at the School of Public and International Affairs at Virginia Tech. who, in a press release says, “The vitriol and animosity this election season really have reached new heights, We need to find ways to appreciate each other’s humanity, even when we disagree. Instead of avoiding, we should think about how we can coexist.”

His study, The Frenemies Project, brought together individuals who otherwise had little contact with each other. but who had strong beliefs on each side about immigration, a hot-button political issue.The eight students and faculty were asked to role-play positions opposite to their own.

Not surprisingly, everyone was just as entrenched as ever when the workshop was over. But it’s important to note that they did leave feeling less angry and more understanding of other people’s views. They seemed to value the chance to appreciate other viewpoints and see each other as actual people. Those feelings of empathy, are sorely needed in our currently polarized and divisive political climate.

If all this sounds like a ‘Pollyanna’ approach to you, I am proposing a last ditch solution, in case all other efforts fail:

Consider ending your relationship.

If this political climate is bringing out behavior in people you simply can’t accept—if an friend, acquaintance or relative is displaying racist or sexist rants, and isn’t able to realize why they’re offensive, it may be best for you to decide to stop seeing them altogether.This may be healthier for you in the long run.

Not as good as staying friends, but surely better for your mental health.