Let’s face it, retirement is great for individuals, giving people freedom to be at home pursuing their interests, after years of being harnessed to a job, but the togetherness that retirement brings may not be so good for marriages. Suddenly, especially if two partners retire at the same time, “I” becomes “we”, and differences in personality and objectives, now that a couple is focused on each other, become more pronounced.
Intense togetherness does suits some people very well—let’s consider a hypothetical couple, married for a long time. Whenever they go anywhere, they go together, whatever errands do, they do together. Every time we see them, they are together. Even at socials, they choose to sit together, heads almost touching, chatting. We marvel at how they can be together so much, and still be so interested in each other. They are examples of retirement togetherness bliss—people who have retired, and seem to enjoy each other more and more.
What the statistics tell us
But we all know that this is not a typical scenario during retirement, and the total picture, actually, may not be that rosy. We need only to look at divorce statistics after retirement to see that divorces among people ages 65-80 are on the rise.
In 2015, for example, there were 10 divorces for every 1000 married people aged 50 and older, up from 1990, when there were only 5—this according to data from the National Center for Health Statistics and U.S. Census Bureau.
In fact, according to a March, 2017 article written for Pew Research Center by Renee Stepler, Led by Baby Boomers, divorce rates climb for America’s 50+ population, the figures for people ages 65 and older, are even worse, with divorces for that demographic tripling since 1990.
Even more distressing is the fact that, among all older adults who divorced, about a third (34%) had been married for at least 30 years, including about one-in-ten (12%) who had been married for 40 years or more.
Several years ago, when Al and Tipper Gore famously divorced after 40 years in a seemingly ideal marriage, Deirdre Bair, The 40 Year Itch, wrote this telling op-ed for the New York Times, which I include for the insight it offers:
“Men and women I interviewed insisted they did not divorce foolishly or impulsively. Most of them mentioned “freedom.” Another word I heard a lot was “control”; people wanted it for themselves for the rest of their lives…Women and men alike wanted time to find out who they were.”
Of course, Al and Tipper Gore are only one couple, and their circumstances were unusual, but still, the statistics surrounding marriage after retirement are troubling, indicating that the pitfalls awaiting those who haven’t solved how to live together peacefully are real and devastating. The research by Stepler and Bair seems to indicate that many later-life divorcees have grown dissatisfied with their marriages over the years and are seeking opportunities to pursue their own interests and independence for the remaining years of their lives.
Not to be taken lightly, also, is the hit divorce delivers to the financial security of people, particularly women, who separate. Pew reports that some people never recover their previous standard of living after divorce.
Different ways of coping
In order to avoid the shock to their families, the loss of financial stability, and public humiliation, some couples find ways of creating a new lifestyle while staying in a less than satisfactory marriage. They may spend entire days apart, each pursuing their own agendas—silently acknowledging that keeping out of each other’s way keeps life tolerable.
Others go on long vacations apart, the husband taking fishing, hunting or golfing trips with ‘the guys’, leaving his retired wife to spend her time as she wishes. A retired wife may enjoy days away at bridge tournaments or club conferences, finding her own ‘groove’ while her husband happily spends his time alone.
These are actually good solutions, providing that couples stay on civil and even friendly terms. In these cases, financial independence can be worked out, so that each partner does not have to answer to the other for their needs.
So what about those couples that love togetherness?
Living life separately while in a marriage is an extreme. The good news is that partners in a marriage don’t need to sacrifice their own interests to make their retirement work—many couples find a way to compromise, stay happy within the marriage, and still be independent.
The secret, I think, is having a discussion about how each partner will spend their time before they retire. Humans being who they are however, it is more likely that people wait until well after retirement, when they realize that the glow of retirement is fading, that the discussion begins.
It may take some couples a few weeks or even years to diagnose their unhappiness as too much togetherness. For those people, it is never too late to have that all important discussion about how they each visualize their dreams and wishes for retirement, and how they can accommodate each other.
There are many issues to discuss. But with time and practice, people get better at it. They become less demanding of their partners’ time, and some either establish their own personal interests or just learn to respect the independent choices of the other.
Ironically, in all of this discussion about ensuring independence for each other, there is a risk of over compensating. It is possible, as my husband Bob and I discovered, that couples might give each other too much leeway in how they spend their time. Time alone can sometimes eclipse time spent together.
Once we realized that the only time we spent together was to do errands, we made a commitment to reserve one day a week to just be with each other—this usually involves a long walk, or a car trip and dinner. Like all good things in marriage, this happy outcome started with an open and frank discussion—and in our case ended with a satisfactory blend of alone time and togetherness..
Thanks for this good post. This is something people rarely talk about or even articulate in the way you do here, but it is very important. Whenever we have major shifts in lifestyle there are a lot of adjustments. Retirement advisers talk about many aspects of this, but rarely mention too much togetherness.
Yet, I know, just from talking to friends and others I know, that this problem exists in our culture. Women are more likely to talk about it than men, I find. Good points, Anne
I hear you, even though I’m only semi-retired and my husband is still working. He’s been talking about reducing his work week to four days, like I do, and my only thought has been “Please don’t let it be the same day I take off!” I love the guy, but I really need one day totally to myself so I can do stuff I want to do, whether it be photography, writing, or just going shopping without someone else tagging along. We’ve discussed all this, and are in agreement, but I don’t know how things will go once we’re both fully retired. It will be an adjustment, that’s for sure.
Thanks for being so candid about this—many do not like to admit any discomfort about being in the same space as a partner for much of the time. It’s clear that we all need time to ourselves, but the first step is admitting it!
This is a wonderful article, Diane, covering lots of ground. I’d only add that not all insight and adaptation comes from discussion, though much does. I believe that lots comes when we are alone and ruminating without pressure. Lots comes when we are surprised and jostled out of old habits. By accident, for example, we spend too much or too little time alone or together or spend different kinds of time. That may the the source of new insights which, with rumination and/or conversation leads to new strategies.
It’s difficult to find a happy medium, Barry. I agree that being alone to ‘ruminate’ may bring out some truths we need to address. Your comment about old habits hit a nerve—I think giving in to what we do habitually is a problem in all of our relationships, marriage included. I think that’s called “being in a rut”!
And generally we don’t think or way out of ruts.
No, we are usually booted out of them LOL!
While still working, a friend told me that he wanted to stage his retirement so that he and his wife did not retire at the same time. I wondered at this. Yet, when I retired, my husband continued working part time as a consultant. How I treasured the days when he went to work and I had a day to myself! Several years later when he fully retired, I had already established my ‘routines’ and found it a pleasure to have time with him.
I believe that each couple needs to find ways to have time alone and time together. At different stages of retirement, this may vary and changes will be required. Your advice to discuss and prepare for eventualities is golden!
What a happy outcome, Jeanette! It sounds like you had a transition period which gave you the insight to orchestrate how you spent your time in retirement. Ideal!
So glad you wrote about this topic. It’s something couples need to discuss. I see several couples at my weekly bridge group who are constantly bickering and this makes the rest of us uncomfortable. They are couples who insist on the togetherness you mentioned as a potential problem in retirement.
I would say they are living unexamined lives…bickering is definitely a sign that all is not well in a relationship! Thanks for this observation, Rin.
Very interesting post. Our – well – my retirement was sort of a surprise. Down-sized out of a job I had for 25 years and then the job I found after that one decided to down-size me as well. So, we talked it over and my wife decided it was time for her to hang it up too. That was in 1996 – so it will be 23 years we will be retired come this December. And come this May we will be married 56 years. As to how much time we spend with each other – basically it is a 24/7 arrangement. We both share some hobbies together but then we each also have our little thing we do by ourselves (but at the house). I like to write, she works on jewelry. What can I say – it works for us and we don’t see it changing. How does that saying go “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!” Loved your post – what a boring world we would be in if everyone did the same thing(s) day in and day out and together too. We all need something different in our lives and a little space to do “our own thing” if you will. It is the wise married couple that finds a way to make it work. Thanks for sharing.
I love your comment! A success story like yours is unusual. To both of you, it may have appeared to be easy, but no doubt took discussion and compromise. Congratulations on a long and happy marriage, and a truly good life!
Thanks
Parallel play works great for us. This is the post I wrote about it in 2013:
I totally agree, Jean, and parallel play is a very apt description! We are individuals, after all, with our own interests to pursue, and our own paths to take! Glad that you and Andy found such a successful arrangement!
Sharing life can be sharing everything together, but it can also mean sharing and listening and enjoying the things each of you does individually. If you share love, like, support and encourage each other, the amount of time actually spent together doesn’t seem as significant. I am interested in the shared laughter, insights into each others lives, trust and love.
Of course, as you say, the amount of time is not the issue, nor does it define the amount of love and interest in each other. What a good point, Alexandra! And of course, when you share everything, and truly know each other, authentic love easily follows.
Hi Diane! I would be really interested in knowing the actually statistics about how many couples actually do divorce after retirement. I too have read that it is definitely more than it used to be which likely indicates that woman feel like they have more options than in the past (at least from my perspective.) As for my own experience, my husband and I are only semi-retired but as self-employed people who mainly worked together for our 42 years of life together, I don’t see things changing much when we finally do retire. We are the sort of couple who likes each others company so much that we can easily spend time together 24/7. It works for us but I can also see where it wouldn’t work for everyone and is DEFINITELY something couples should talk about before it happens. ~Kathy
Your brand of relationship is wonderful, but you are correct in saying that it does not work for everyone! You’ve spoken often about your marriage with Thom, and I’d say you are one lucky couple! Congratulations.
I retired from active business life to be the full time caregiver for my late wife and we were more or less joined at the hips as it were for eight years before death took her away from me. Even if that had not happened, I would not have considered, nor do I think that she would have, divorce as an option after my retirement.
I also know of cases here where people have divorced after more than three decades of married life due to incompatibility and the freedom that retirement offers in terms of financial independence and the empty nests.
I think that divorces much later in life happens when the marriage itself during its lifetime was a failed one but kept going for the sake of the children or other compulsions like joint ownership of business etc.
The points that you make however make sense but, such approaches are necessary only for those who are not really serious about the divorce. For those who are, it is best to allow them to get on with their lives as per their wishes.
Those are strong words, Rummuser. You make a good point when you discuss the reasons couples stay together in spite of incompatibility. It’s a shame when marriages turn out that way, but, as you say, it is necessary to face facts and move on.
Very pertinent topic. I know numerous women, and probably some men do this, too, who keep working — maybe only parttime — after the spouse retires in order to have time to themselves. For what ever the reasons they seem unable to have the time for themselves they want and the spouse accepts working as reason for them to be away.
If couples have had their own careers and not really been together that much, once they retire they may find they’ve become two quite different people. Also, sometimes one wants to “nest” and another wants to travel or become active is another factor leading to divorce I’ve heard expressed.
Lots of reasons for marriage developing into ‘something else’ once people retire, and one of the most important is differing interests such as traveling. That’s a touchy one, because traveling is an ‘all in’ activity, which both parties are called upon to immerse themselves in wholeheartedly. To do it any other way simply does not work. Thanks, Joared.
This is a great subject that I wish was discussed more. I am definitely in the “I need more me time” category. I love my husband and we enjoy each other’s company, but I am in heaven when I’m alone at home for an extended period of time… which is extremely rare. I am involved in a fair number of outside activities (book clubs, photography club, dinners/lunches with friends) but my husband doesn’t have any real hobbies to speak of; he gets alone time, I don’t. Ironically, he really doesn’t want to spend much time alone. We have talked about it but I am always worried that I have hurt his feelings. It really has nothing to do with my love for him or the enjoyment I get from his company, I just relish time spent in my home alone (I don’t do anything exciting when I’m alone, I just love the quiet feeling of freedom). He’s been retired for almost 7 years, me almost 5… hopefully we’ll get this worked out to both of our satisfaction.
Janis, you have expressed exactly how I feel, complete with the feelings I have for my husband, and the need for more time. In reading the ending of my article, I think I made it sound as if my issue with ‘alone time’ was solved, fait accompli, but life is never as straight forward as we would like. I still feel pulled in several directions, since my need for time alone seems insatiable. It’s worse now, since I have started a book, and that, with my blog, keeps me extremely inward-looking. One thing I have done is cut out every other activity such as book club and lunches with friends (family excepted). Social time now is only with my husband and our families. That has been clarifying, and has helped. Thanks, Janis, for making me re-visit and re-think my article!
Reminds me of the old adage; “Familiarity breeds contempt”,
The War Office toddlers off to work two days a week, and truth be told it’s to get away from me, not because she has to.
I usually have a nice dinner waiting when she returns home.
Then we pick up the battle from where we left off 🙂
So nice that your wife can have that time to herself, or at least with other people. I like that saying—it speaks volumes! As to your last line, you are incorrigible, for sure!
😈
This is the second post this week that I have read about ‘alone time’ during retirement. It is a coveted commodity, for sure. Like Janis, I have a busy schedule with lots of activities that do not include my husband. I also ‘take’ my alone time as I need it. While I am not my husband’s keeper, I do feel responsible and sometimes a little guilty when it’s all about me. We typically both recognize the symptoms of either too much time together, or not enough and make adjustments accordingly. I like to think that the ability to do that is simply a byproduct of awareness and good communication that we have cultivated over our 30+ year marriage. The one thing we cannot do for each other is to create contentment. That is an inside job that must be dealt with on one’s own. In my opinion, being discontent with ones self leads to more divorces during retirement than too much togetherness. I enjoyed your take on this subject and all the comments following.
Congratulations on a long marriage, in which the foundation is ‘awareness and good communication’! Totally agree that you can do only so much for a partner in the area of contentment—women, as carers, frequently take that role on, much to their detriment! Thanks, Suzanne!
Hi, Diane – My husband and I retired at the exact same time. Our relationship has always been very close, and I believe that retirement has brought us even closer. I agree that communication is the key! Thank you for sharing this.
And thank you for your lovely comment, Donna!
As usual I’ve thought about this more. I replied with respect to my current marriage. My first marriage didn’t work and one of the reasons was because we approached life very differently. When we were dating we both loved politics and the arts which took us a long way. He is brilliant and interesting. Communication is so key. He was a lecturer, not a talker. Fortunately we have the love of our children and grandchildren to keep our interactions very happy today.
Children and grandchildren—a boon for older people! They keep life fresh and interesting!
Hi Diane. Most people need space and alone-time, I’m sure. And they also need to be with people other than their spouses. That’s why jobs, paid or volunteer, are good. They get you out of the house. Too much time together at home can cause spouses to get on each other’s nerves, as everyone knows.
Have a terrific rest of the week!
Neil
This has been a colder than normal winter—more time spent at home, by the fire and watching TV for many people. And getting on each other’s nerves!
We have always had separate interests and a lot of separate friends (joint ones too). Daytime is when we do our own thing (I still work three mornings a week) but evenings, and about half of our weekends are time spent together. We also enjoy holidays where we are in each other’s company most of the time. However, I think it’s so important to have separate lives as well as a life together. I’ve seen couples whose lives are so closely and totally intertwined that when something happens to one of them, the other is completely clueless as how to fill their life.
A good approach to a successful relationship. Congratulations on having it figured out!
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