You might squirm with embarrassment, twist in the wind with fury, be overcome with horror and disbelief—but if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you are in an untenable position, and you can’t win.
A narcissist will charm you one minute, lie and say horrible things about you the next, and completely distort what happened. You will end up feeling used, taken for a fool, humiliated and deeply angry.
There seems to be no way out of it with your pride intact, and nothing you can do to avoid losing your self-respect. And there is certainly no way that you can “get back at a narcissist” or “even the score”.
You can’t negotiate with a narcissist, you can’t set the record straight, and you can’t shame him. Whatever you can think of to get even with him, he will do to himself, and not care about the consequences. You can’t hurt him, and he knows it. A narcissist will go to all lengths to fulfill his needs.
How narcissists gain power, prestige and the attention of others
-They have charisma or charm that they use to get people engaged.
-They tend toward grandiosity – they convince others to buy into their big ideas, and big visions.
-They take credit when things go right and blame others when things go wrong.
-They can lie skillfully, re-inventing the past to suit their own needs.
-They can speak of emotions, but they seem to have no empathy.
-They seldom, if ever apologize, even when glaringly wrong.
Narcissistic behavior and point of view
Most people with narcissistic tendencies have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which involves a distorted self-image, unstable and intense emotions, an exaggerated sense of superiority and a lack of empathy towards others. They seems to be unable to appreciate feelings that are not their own. The majority of narcissists are male.
According to a January, 2018 article of Medical News Today, subjects with NPD have the following traits:
“An unusual love of self, an excessive sense of importance and superiority, and a preoccupation with success and power can indicate a lack of self-confidence. NPD often involves a deep sense of insecurity and a lack of self-esteem.”
- An insatiable appetite for the attention of others
- An expectation of special treatment
- A need to exaggerate achievements, talents, and importance
- Extreme sensitivity and a tendency to be easily hurt and to feel rejected with little provocation
- An ability to take advantage of others to achieve a goal, without regret or conscience
- A lack of ability to understand and share the feelings of others.
- Response to criticism with anger, striking back by humiliating, and shaming.
- An insatiable need for praise and positive reinforcement from others
- An expectation that others will agree with them and go along with what they want
- Whatever they crave or yearn for must be “the best”
What you can do to take your power back
There is plenty of advice on how to deal with a narcissist. None of it is optimistic. Mostly, experts say you have few options. In the absence of having a magic wand that can whisk them out of your life, here are some things you can do, according to Eric Barker in How to Deal With a Narcissist: 5 Secrets Backed by Research:
- Get out of there first chance you can.
- If you must negotiate or fight them, hit them with everything you have.
- Better yet, don’t fight narcissism. Starve it.
He adds:
“Dealing with a narcissist regularly is like having a pet tiger: You always have to be careful that one day he’s gonna see you as dinner. But if you don’t have a choice, negotiate hard. This is nobody to be win-win with.”
Recently, our Prime Minister crossed the path of a narcissist. He and his political associates took the high road, refusing to be drawn into name calling and degradation. They chose to state their case with dignity, consistency, and a minimum of attention to the offender.
Sure, they were mocked for it—told that they were two-faced, snivelling Canadians, but they did what they had to do to protect our nation. They stood their ground, and assured the world Canada would not be pushed around.
No, they didn’t put out the angry fire, they didn’t have a “win-win”, but what they did was “starve” the narcissist of the attention he so desperately craves.
All my life, I was proud to be an American. Now my heart breaks when I look at the sick, cruel man in the White House whose biggest concern is himself. It is embarrassing the way world friends are now so poorly treated, and world dictators are so easily embraced. Worse, it’s frightening. Every day I wonder if I am witnessing the end of our democracy. I still have my vote and I will encourage the people around me to vote and I will try my best to have intelligent discourse about what is in the interest of our country. My deepest hope is that I am in the majority and that we vote out our cowardly congress and that the man who calls himself president is not re-elected. That would be the best thing that could happen —
You wrote a good article on personality disorder — but can you tell me, how have so many people in my country been duped by the man with this sickness?
I’ve always loved Canada and Canadians and I wish I could apologize for my government. If you are a praying woman, pray for this country to find itself again.
Stephanie, I am amazed at the way this man wields so much power over Americans—people I have always loved and admired for their smarts and ‘can do’ attitude. Suffice it to say that he is very clever at using the new media to dupe people. Everyone will wake up from this nightmare some day, we hope! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this complex issue.
Trouble is, he got the attention anyway because the media reported it–like they report everything else he says and does. And that’s what he feeds on. It is as though the whole world is mesmerised and can’t stop watching to see what unthinkable line he will cross next.
People like many of us here, who remember WW2, have spent eight decades wondering why the German people of our parents’ generation didn’t stop Hitler while they had a chance. Well, now we know. Probably they, too, sat like rabbits in the headlights, feeling powerless to change the situation yet staring in awful fascination as the trains headed for Auschwitz.
Wow, Marian, you have touched a truth here. There is a definite parallel, but few see it. Today, people have access to so much media, you would think they could get a measure of the man—but they seem to be unable to see through him. It is not only unpleasant, it is frightening and dangerous.
Hi Diane! Yeah it is pretty obvious which narcissist you are referring to–no surprise to anyone of us, unfortunately. And too am so very disappointed by all those who continue to stand by his side as though what and who he is is acceptable. But I have seen changes in a number of people and I don’t think the news is portraying that well. So many people who voted for him are now admitting (at least in private) that he is a “train wreck.” But the wheels of justice move so slowly. Even though there are many who are working to stop him and get him out of office, the truth that politics moves slowly is evident every day. ~Kathy
You have made my day! The thought that opinion is shifting, and that someday (soon!) there may be something tangible to give us hope, is a great way to start this sunny day! Too often, my thoughts are clouded by the things that are happening politically, and the dangers that this represents. Thanks, Kathy!
Yes, thank you Kathy! That is heartening to hear.
Thank You, Canada.
Thanks, CM. He is not perfect, but we are quite happy with him!
I love Canada and her people. I always have.
and the thought that the narcissist ‘speaks’ for me is an outrage to me.
“please forgive me. and I didn’t vote for him!” I want to wear that on a tee shirt so all can see. every time he opens his mouth it’s an embarrassment.
he has torn families apart in their odd support of him! can’t they SEE?
all the commenters here are spot on.
I too always wondered how the people of Germany could be so taken in.
now we know. the spine chilling thought is … will he reach a point where he cannot be stopped? stranger things have happened if we see the past.
and it doesn’t seem so distant anymore.
and thank you for this post Diane. a chance to say what WE (your neighbors) feel!
Tammy j, I always believed that millions of Americans are aware, and wish to change this. But he is like a runaway train, so, as we are seeing, he will be very, very hard to stop. He has an uncanny ability to make people question themselves, and become ‘hooked’. It’s wonderful, though, to hear you speak up!
Regarding your recommendation to “Get out of there as fast as you can”… if only we could. He presidency has been a long, ongoing nightmare and I wish getting out of it was as easy as simply waking up. I’m in Mexico right now and I wish I had a T-shirt that reads “I didn’t vote for him.” The Mexican people are kind and generous and I’d hate for them to see me as a MAGA American.
We have many, many American tourists here, every year. I have not heard one nasty remark about them. I think Mexicans feel the same way.
We’re talking about visiting Canada and spending money this summer as a way to protest our alleged leader.
Canadians will welcome you, Ann! So many wonderful places to visit here!
There are no words that adequately express the horror of living through this political time. So much has been destroyed. We live in Alexandria, VA a couple of miles from DC. His news is our local news. We used to be ‘political junkies’ now, while we do send money, vote and quietly march there is no TV on any political station. We avoid all news. We take the Washington Post daily but skip to any news we can find that isn’t about ‘Him’ or any politics. It’s a matter of mental health. The article could not be clearer. We are stunned daily and do our best to breath and remain hopeful. I am mostly scared that we are entering a coalition with Russia and North Korea with Russia calling the shots….so frightening.
I’m very anxious also, Alexandra. We should have ‘starved’ him of attention at the outset. CNN, and others allowed his influence to grow to such an extent that he thinks he is ‘king’, not only a President. Let’s pray we get back to some sanity soon.
I read your post, your reply, and the exchanges from all other commenters and I am encouraged knowing I am not alone.
Thank you again, Alexandra.
Hi Diane. Others have said far better than I could what damage this deranged moron is doing to the US and its world image. The parallels with Nazi Germany are frightening, and it is a surprise to those of us outside the US that more attention hasn’t been drawn to them, before it is too late.
I want to add a dimension to the discussion, though. The longer this behaviour continues, the more it is somehow legitimised. It then becomes its own norm, and is adopted by others. Our Prime Minister, Theresa May, isn’t a demented bully, but she is leading a government which is becoming more and more right wing in its behaviour. The Brexit shambles is a perfect example of the denial of reality and common sense – also prevalent in the US nowadays. The US’ DACA shame is matched by ours over Windrush and, whilst it probably doesn’t get the same coverage as the abhorrent, shameful scenes in the US, our government is also separating families and removing their right to live here. But, on the bright side, after the Skripal poisonings it is very unlikely that we will be friendly with Russia! The Russian influence over our politics is undeniably there, too, and I think the orange narcissist has to take some of the blame for encouraging Russia. But he won’t, will he!
We have already accepted the new lower standards of behavior as ‘normal’ in the USA. The accelerated rate of change for the worse is already having an impact everywhere in the Western world. There has been a recent flurry of gun violence in our major cities, and I note that the reactions from Canadians have been muted—we are no longer shocked and horrified. That is very bad news. The most recent development around the issue of separating children from parents at border crossings is the most extreme, most malicious threat to our decency, yet, from what I see, it has been mildly noted. I see real evil there. Thanks, Clive
Let’s see… when I was a young woman our generation left to go the sane shores of Canada. It may be time to migrate again. On behalf of the citizens of my country, Canada we are truly sorry for the verbiage that comes from our President. We will try harder next time to elect a President who truly represents our thoughts about living in a democratic world.
Bernadette, all citizens living in a democracy need to be more conscious, more educated about who we elect. We have a strong right-wing component to our politics here too, and a growing number of people who support it. It scares me, and it should scare all of us out of our complacency.
My late father was a narcissist and I got out from his control when I was 16. He came back into my life when I was 65 and I had to not only put him up but also put up with him for four years. I would rather forget the last four years. I was unable to get away because he was too old, 91 when he came and had no other place to go to as his second wife had died leaving him destitute. My siblings did not want to have anything to do with him and my late wife took him in because he was our son’s grandfather. Luckily for us, since he had to relocate to a city completely new to him he could not gaslight at all as otherwise this is a common weapon in a narcissist’s armoury.
I flatter myself that I am an expert on narcissists but there are occasions when one simply has no choice but to put up with one.
Coming to the POTUS, and the Canadian PM, I would rather not comment except to point out the gas lighting aspects of the former vis a vis the latter.
I’m glad you mentioned gas lighting. The POTUS is very talented at using it, although many of his constituents are catching on. It seems to me that you were confronted with an uncomfortable choice in the case of your father. When you stepped up and took the responsibility, you ensured that you need never feel guilty about your treatment of a parent. That’s worth something, Rummuser.
The simplest thing to say about narcissists is that they are fragile, often brittle. They are deeply injured people and, in my experience, it is very rare that they can grow and change.
Bob and I saw a remarkable documentary last night—I believe it is called ‘The Passionate Eye”, (Canada’s CBC). It was the story of the Trump history from the time of the President’s grandfather’s entry into New York from Germany in the late 1980s to today. Really opened my eyes to why he has developed into such an injured person. Both grandfather and father were ruthless, driven people, who used their children to carry on the family’s fame and fortune. Thanks, Barry
Diane, your words educated and fascinated me; then the many comments you received comforted me as I realized I was not alone in my horror and shame over what Trump has inflicted on the world, on our best friends, our strongest allies, and our country. I’m feeling a small glimmer of hope that common sense will return to more voters for our midterm elections and the next presidential election. But I’m far from certain.
I swing from feeling optimistic, to feeling utterly devastated. We are all putting our faith in the midterm election voters!
Excellent post! Canadians can be proud. Our President has sunk into the depths of the D.C. cesspool he created as he converted the alleged swamp giving new meaning to the term the ugly American.
He had an odd way of ‘draining the swamp’! Made it a hundred times worse!
Yes, we now have a narcissist-in-chief as the head of our government. It is devastating. I don’t feel alone in my resistance, because I have joined several groups to resist and fight this Administration’s actions. But it is an uphill battle because the government has the money to do what it will and 33% of the voters to applaud its every action, including the traumatizing of migrant children. I wish your post had included a paragraph describing how to starve the narcissist. I would certainly like to do so, but am mystified as to how an individual citizen can do it. Certainly PM Trudeau did his best to ignore and downplay the POTUS at the G-7 meeting. He and Macron of France and Merkel of Germany have their work cut out for them in the next two years.
The fact that 33% of voters support him, no matter what he does, suggests that an appalling number of people think narrowly about what they perceive is good for them, and damn the consequence to others. It’s a trend that will have to burn itself out. Meanwhile, the attention given him, by news outlets, television talk shows, late-night comics, only fuels his narcissism and promotes him. I think that our Prime Minister used the only tactics available—responding with a calm demeanor, refusing to be drawn into his barrage of insults, and not even mentioning him by name. People need to work behind the scenes, to elicit the cooperation of the media in reducing the publicity and starving him of oxygen. No one has the perfect solution, but it’s a start. Thanks, Dr. Rin
I’m afraid starving him of attention is impossible because the news, right or wrong, is also driven by the bottom line. And, as the Washington Post tagline states…democracy dies in darkness….so we have to shine a light on his actions, which shines a light on the narcissist, keeping him alive.
A very good point, Alexandra. It’s true, shining a light on his actions will only give him a bigger ‘stage’. It’s a ‘Catch22’.
I think actor/producer Mel Brooks has had the right approach as he described about his production of “The Producers” on Broadway and later as a movie. He portrayed the literally deadly serious as ridiculous — to be laughed at which is the best such people may deserve. Heaven only knows they take themselves seriously enough and seem to become most disturbed when others don’t respond to them in the same way.
I’m sorry I missed that movie! I’ve seen some of his work—he is hilarious! I think narcissists take themselves very seriously, never realizing that many people can see right through them.
Comments are closed.