For many seniors who have lived a long and full life, whether in a house or apartment, moving to a retirement residence may be the next step. Like any move, this will have the same challenges, if not more. They will be losing some of their independence. They will have to conform to the routines and expectations of management and other residents. Most of all, they will have to overcome the negative spin about how bad it is to live in one of “those” places.
Older people who have begun to experience some physical or mental decline have little choice. It is the new reality for them. Whether or not they have an easy transition to their new living arrangement depends on their outlook. Some may welcome the change and look forward to it. Others may balk and feel angry and betrayed.
It’s very common to feel nervous about any move. But a move into a care facility has additional implications. Some older people may not like to admit the reasons that prompted the move. They may deny them or wish to hide feelings of vulnerability. Some seniors may have expressly told family that they “never want to go into one of those homes.” Having been convinced of the need, they may still have some leftover feelings of resistance or resentment.
Families might also feel worried and have some trepidation as the move approaches. If they have been instrumental in convincing the older person to move, they may feel guilt and be concerned that they will be blamed if things go wrong. The experience, however, will be different for everyone.
For example, within the past two months, a friend, JB, has moved into a residence, and another, ML, is scheduled to move as soon as her condo is sold. They are the same age, in their early eighties. Each has approached this is very different ways.
JB resisted every step of the way. She has been physically handicapped for almost a year. She is unable to walk without a walker and is dependent on specialists that come daily to attend to her basic needs like cooking her meals and bathing her. These were expensive, but she felt they were well worth it.
She leaned on her only child, a daughter, DM, to take her for medical visits and shop for groceries. Her daughter had other obligations and resented this. She continually tried to talk her mother into moving into a residence, but JB wouldn’t hear of it. Finally, DM threatened to cut off all communications with her mother and JB relented. She is now in a very comfortable place, with full services, and everyone is relieved and happier, including JB.
JB is financially well off and was able to bequeath her home to her daughter and still afford to pay the monthly expenses of being in a retirement residence. However, the entire experience of changing her living circumstances soured the relationship with her child and may never be repaired.
ML, on the other hand, recognized that her physical capabilities were declining and took the initiative to explore various residences to find a good fit. I was part of that and volunteered to visit a couple of places with her. One, located in our neighborhood and close to all services, was very attractive to ML. She agreed that it was suitable and wrote a cheque for the deposit on the spot.
ML has now listed her home and plans to move in as soon as it is sold. The sale of her home, supplemented by her pension income, will cover the expenses of living there. She seemed to sail through this entire process positively with her family relationships intact.
These two true-to-life scenarios demonstrate the difficulties and latent drama that might surround people who are older. As they experience the inevitable decline of aging, they would be wise to acknowledge that it its happening and be open to the changes that will occur in the future. And they would be wise, also, to tap into the help that is readily available.
Seniors who are aware of and accept their physical and/or mental decline in advance are better positioned to plan for these changes. An important part of their plan would likely be a move to a retirement residence.
Residences are prepared to deal with the needs of older people and will provide information and literature to read. They also welcome having potential clients visit them and will provide them with a tour if requested. Administrators and staff of these services are in the business of serving older people. They have experience. They may also have goodwill.
The main thing, though, is to look to the future. Many older people might be lonely and isolated. With such a move, their lives would be brighter and better.
A move to a retirement residence, however, may take time. There may be forms to fill. There will be medical information to convey. There may be a waiting list. They may have to be patient and remain open-minded while waiting for things to unfold. Looking back over their lives, they will hopefully remember that things generally turn out for the best as long as their outlook remains positive.
Great post, Diane. I agree that outlook is everything. My mother is 92 and living in her own home saying that it “is way to early” to talk about moving into a Senior’s residence. Yes, that sound you hear is me continually banging my head against a heavy object! <3
It’s sounds as if she is an independent-thinking and spirited woman! But I can understand your frustration. Some seniors avoid the reality of their aging until it is passed the time they should be living alone. I know you have her best interests at heart, but she will have to change her mind on her own. All you can do is wait until she is ready, and support her as best as you can.
I imagine there are as many scenarios as there are seniors moving! But here’s a big hard question: what about the people who can’t afford these places? In my part of the world, it’s lucky if you can find a place that’s under $4k a month. My mother’s social security was less than half that. Her savings helped her do a couple years in a place. But how many people even have that much saved up? She lived with me for 15 months, which helped stretch the money. She died at 97, about 3 weeks before her money ran out! Us kids were clutching our pearls, believe me.
It’s a tough question for sure. If she had a friend or another older relative who could move in with her and provide their share, it would be easier. Ninety seven is a grand old age, and seniors are living longer and longer Of course, that has its positives and its negatives. The price of these facilities is sky high. Social security is a paltry sum in comparison.
This is an always needed post. The information on where and when and how much $$$$ is out there albeit difficult to swallow, let alone digest. But the part about ATTITUDE is most important. The more we age, the less we can control. Attitude (when a sound mind) is one of the few and it is so vital. A positive attitude is a light that spreads far and wide.
I agree. Having a good attitude about making a move would make the entire process easier for the person undergoing such a move, and their families as well.
This gave me a lot of food for thought. I’m going to share it with others who either have parents who need to move to some type of assisted living, or even for many of us 60 and older who should prepare to get a better attitude about aging and what that means. Most of us do NOT want to be a burden on our children. Thanks for a provocative and well-done post.
Several women in my writing group are 60 and older (as am I), and we delve deeply into the topic. We’ve all lived independent lives and do NOT want to change that as we grow older!
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